Dear Bessy:
Have you asked? If you've gotten as far as dating, and you don't know, it's time to get clear. Invite him to meet your friends, and ask to meet his. If he won't give you a home telephone number (cell phones make it easy to dodge this one) or let you meet his friends, you have a right to be suspicious. Is he available on weekends and holidays? If not, he may be spending that time with his family. Ask about his relationship history.
You have a right to know if he's single, and if pushing a little to find out makes him go away, then you're probably better off. At any rate, don't focus on this one man if you don't know he's single. Until you both decide you are exclusive and articulate this to each other, you should still be dating an meeting other men. Check out the article we did in September 2004 on the
29 Red Flags That May Suggest a Cheater. If he's married and cheating on his wife with you, many of these will be present. But seriously Bessy, until he and you both decide you are boyfriend and girlfriend and you both decide to only see each other, you're dating. Dating means you're seeing a prospect and
getting to know him, (aka not having sex. You should never have sex with a man who is not exclusive with you for several reasons, safety being one. The opportunity to develop a real relationship being another, unless it is a fling you want without commitment and intimacy). It also means you are still a free agent and need to be seeing other men, (opportunities) until one of those opportunities decides you are too good to give up and decides to invest his time, effort and affection in you. At
your age, men are more sophisticated and they are looking for companionship, intelligence and someone to share life rather than straight sex like many of their 20 & early 30-something brethren. Use that to your advantage. That is what you want, a committed, monogamous relationship right? This is how you get it. Date several different men, keep sex out of it until he earns it via commitment and maintain your options by not getting too attached to any one man until he makes gives you what you want. Do this and you will
get what you want. Good Luck! Dr. Tina |
