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Narcissism
refers to collection of personality/behavior disorders that if
you discover it, just walk away. Narcissists cannot love like
normal people, but they can sap all the love out of everyone
around them and create a living nightmare for all within their
reach. For myself, I first discovered the devastation
narcissism imparts on the self-esteem of those unlucky enough
to find themselves in a relationship with this type of
personality during college. However, I use the term, "relationship"
loosely.
One of the
by-products of narcissism illustrates itself through the
inability to cultivate intimacy on any level but the three
most superficial, that of
physical, (liking how one looks or
moves), aesthetic (attraction to similar tastes) and
recreational, (shared activities). The higher levels of
intimacy, those which make relationships solid and fulfilling
including
Intellectual Intimacy, (values, beliefs),
Spiritual
Intimacy, (morals and dreams),
Emotional Intimacy (empathy,
cherishing, respect and shared goals),
Sexual (Giving and
Receiving of Love) and
Unconditional Love are unobtainable for
this type of personality disorder.
May I Introduce Mr. Narcissism…
My first
experience with narcissism came in the shape of a six foot
three, gregarious and charming college senior I'll call Sean.
Since we were both Marketing Majors and seniors, most of our
classes were together; we saw a lot of each other. What I
remember most about Sean is that special quality called
charisma. A type 'A' personality, charisma oozed from every
pour and like myself, he possessed ease with public speaking,
persuasion and capturing an audience's attention, qualities I
admire.
He was
different than most of my other classmates. To begin with, he
and I were the same age, in our twenties. Most of the other
people were in their thirties and forties as this was night
school and we all had real jobs. Soon Sean and I started
dating, but I failed to notice the warning signs like the lack
of gifts, never doing what I wanted or even asking what I
wanted, using alcohol to get me in bed and then ignoring me
once he got what he wanted. If something wasn't convenient for
him, he couldn't be inconvenienced and he didn't care if it
hurt. I should have figured it out when he stood me up for my
birthday, but I didn't. I thought I was in love and he made a
point of cutting me down whenever he could, usually propping
himself up at the same time.
Narcissists love people like me
at the time. My self-esteem with men needed some help and
people with low self-esteem will try even harder to please in
order to gain their appreciation and validation; this boosts
the narcissist's ego while further humiliating the enabler, in
this case, me. With a narcissist, this is a no-win
situation. Narcissists care nothing about other people's
needs and even less about assisting to elevate their
self-esteem and self-worth. The worse you look, the better
they feel. This validates their feelings of superiority.
Everything was
about him. What he wanted, what he thought, what he liked,
only the thoughts weren't his; they were borrowed from
others. He simply regurgitated them as his own and insisting
such within a habit of being grandiose and cocky. If
something went wrong, the fault lay elsewhere, never with him.
That spring, knowing how much I loved camping, he invited me
to go camping…neglecting to tell me he was bringing another
girl as well. What followed constituted the longest night of
my life as he showered this other girl with attention,
continued to put me down and then proceeded to engage in
several hours of noisy carnality just ten feet away from my
tent. Hearing everything and unable to sleep, I cried that
entire night. At daybreak I broke down my tent and left,
completely humiliated, yet wiser for the lesson learned. For
the next five years, I immersed myself in therapy, self-help
and self-improvement motivated by the fact I never wanted to
feel that way again. It worked and I never have.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
The Diagnostic & Statistics Manual, Rev IV Defines
Narcissistic
Personality Disorder AS:
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Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g.,
exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be
recognized as superior without commensurate
achievements);
-
Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success,
power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love;
-
Believes he or she is "special" and unique and can
only be understood by, or should associate with,
other special or high-status people (or
institutions);
-
Requires excessive admiration;
-
Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable
expectations of especially favorable treatment or
automatic compliance with his or her expectations;
-
Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes
advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends;
-
Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify
with the feelings and needs of others;
-
Is often envious of others or believes that others
are envious of him or her;
-
Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.
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Later,
I discovered what Sean's behavior represented the
beginning manifestations of narcissism and counted
myself lucky I discovered this young. Fortunately
since, I've avoided dating or spending time with such
people by choice.
Narcissism becomes visible in a person's late teens
and early twenties, growing in intensity and cruelty
as the narcissist ages. Unfortunately, no long-term
treatments exist for narcissism; once it develops few
narcissists will admit they have a problem since one
of the signs of narcissism is the tendency to play
victim and blame everyone else for any ill will,
problems and incomplete or substandard work; most
won't seek help. They consider themselves perfect.
A
famous case of narcissism involves a former housewife,
mother and socialite in San Diego, California by the
name of
Betty Broderick. Today a convicted murderer
doing life for killing her ex-husband Dan Broderick
and his new wife of six months Linda in the late
1980's, Betty's story illustrates the classic symptoms
of narcissism in the movie, "A Woman Scorned"
and its sequel, "Her Final Fury".
Renamed 'Til Murder do Us Part.
In the
movie, Betty's marriage begins to fall apart, due
predominantly to her overbearing attitude, accu-sations
of infidelity, sense of entitlement and self-perceived
victimization and persecution. Rather than addressing
the issues, her behavior goes from bizarre, (burning
her husband's clothing and throwing a ring across the
room because it isn't exactly what she wanted at
Christmas) to callous, (dropping her young children
off in the middle of the night and leaving them
sitting alone outside without supervision or even
knowing if her husband is home) and finally violent,
(driving her car into her ex's house while her
children are home, destroying family pictures and
heirlooms and using psychological blackmail on her
children for sympathy). |
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Throughout all
of this, the harm she's doing to her children remains
insignificant to her. How her four children feel, think or
the effect her behavior has on them matters not. All that
matters is hurting the cause of her perceived persecution, Dan
and Linda. Ultimately she sneaks in the house and kills the
couple while they sleep. Ironically, apologizing to her two
eldest dollars a few hours later by saying, "I hope I didn't
ruin your day. You didn't have anything special planned did
you?"
Throughout the
trial and even from prison, Betty continues to stress her
persecution, her grief, her victimization at the hands of her
husband and feels no remorse or responsibility for causing
their deaths or the impact on her own children stating "There
may be two dead bodies, but there are five victims, me and my
four children." NEXT PAGE |
