Spotting Narcissism

Seeing narcissism before it finds you can be a task.  Self-absorbed and narcissism are not the same thing.  Each human possess some trends toward narcissism and we all can be selfish from time-to-time.  Empathy is the easiest distinguishing factor between self-absorption and narcissism.  Someone who is self-absorbed feels empathy and can show genuine sympathy.  Someone who is narcissistic cannot and does not understand the concept.  He or she may act sympathetic because this is what is expected and this person is mirroring those around him/her rather than expressing emotion.  But when pressed to discuss, reflect or analyze why he or she has feelings of empathy, a narcissist cannot.

One of the reasons Couples Company and most relationship experts recommend dating, (seeing each other at least twice a week and speaking on the phone nearly everyday…long distance does not count in this recommendation) a full year before marrying comes from a concern over spotting psychological problems, anti-social behavior and sociopaths in the dating pool before you say I do.  Some problems like active drug and alcohol addition, mental or physical abuse and con-artists bubble to the surface during this period.  Most people, including narcissists can behave well for 3-to-6 months.  Very few can hide who they really are on a day-to-day basis for a full year. 

Living a lie takes a tremendous amount of energy and one of the advantages of dealing with narcissists, self worshipping elitists, is they think they are smarter and better than everyone else so they tend to slip up sooner than con-artists or addicts, whom are somewhat paranoid and hyper-vigilant due to the fact they know they are hiding something.  Narcissists do not believe they have a problem.  Everyone else does, but not them. Second, they are very good at superficial relationships, possessing charm, a sense of excitement about being with them, (remember they are grandiose and attribute a high level of sophistication and elitism to self and often look like the 'person in the know' the person to be with.  A little research into their background will tell you if their boasting matches their presented achievements.  Narcissists, you'll find are generally smoke and mirrors with little substance).  With that said, what types of signs should you be looking for in dates, friends and business associates to discover if you are dealing with a narcissist?

Nine Warning Signs of NPD

1. Narcissists refrain from introspection, rarely discussing memories, dreams or thoughts of self-analysis

2. Cause and effect are foreign ideas as nothing is ever a narcissist's fault.  Personal accountability is an unknown concept.

3. Narcissists are unable to relate the process of how they learned a lesson about themselves or the world at large.  

4. Self-improvement rarely enters a narcissist's realm as the narcissist already sees him or herself as perfect, superior and above most others.  If efforts are taken, generally it is done for manipulation's purpose: to get something he or she wants.  At the same time, they are very good at pointing out everyone else's faults, shortcomings or handicaps.

5. Narcissists do not share thoughts, feelings or dreams of their own. Rather if thoughts are shared, they quote others, rarely thinking for themselves.  When asked to elaborate or explain how they came to such a conclusion, unless it's scripted, they cannot. Ask where the opinion came from, few will source this information as to do so takes the spotlight from them and places it on another.  If feelings are shared, they'll respond with what is expected and they perceive to be the answer you want to hear based upon behavior they've seen in others.  When pressed to elaborate, they cannot.

6. Narcissists consider themselves superior and never ask for collaboration in problem solving.  Rather, they prefer to find someone else to do it and then minimize their contribution, taking the glory or ignoring the contribution all together.

7. When asked about their past, narcissists are vague and ambiguous.  Childhood friends, siblings and others hold no importance unless they can be used to make the narcissist seem more important than he or she is.

8. Empathy is a foreign language.  Narcissists are void of empathy and cannot "put the situation on the other foot to look at it from both sides."

9. People are tools to narcissists, not human beings.  A narcissist sees no problem with using people to attain his objectives and does not care if he destroys others in the process because his needs, objectives or agenda are the only thing that matters.  He is superior and everyone else is here to serve him, the legend in his own mind.  The God complex illustrates why physical contact rather than long-distance relationships are needed.  This type of behavior surfaces through interaction with others, specifically family and friends.  If you are not there, you won't see it.
    

Your Options

So what can you do if you find yourself involved with a narcissistic personality? If dating and not married or employed in a situation where you are required to work with someone like this in close cooperation, run, leave and do whatever you can to limit contact and distance yourself from this person.  You cannot fix a narcissist and the nature of their disorder prevents them from fixing themselves. The emotional cost to you is not worth it.  A narcissist cannot love you and cannot receive love for love's sake.  They think differently than you and me. Stay with a narcissist and you will spend the rest of your life, unfulfilled, snatching scraps of attention and rationalizing while the rest of your energy squanders setting right the escalating damage the narcissist leaves in his/her wake.  

If married and you've had children with this person, once you've determined you are dealing with a narcissistic personality disorder, your primary responsibility is the children. The cost to them and their self-esteem on a daily basis can produce issues that last a lifetime. If divorce isn't an option, counseling is a must.  The children need to learn how to deal with this disorder without undermining their self-worth.  Parental approval and recognition means a lot to children and the withholding of it or attaching conditions to it causes extreme confusion and angst. Children need to learn that though they express love, this person is sick and cannot, but this is no reflection on the quality of their love or being.  Children brought up by a narcissistic parent often find themselves chasing poor relationships because this is the only definition of love they know, that which is given and never returned.  As the healthy parent, you have the ability to prevent a lifetime of heartache once you realize this is the cause.

By far, the best way to deal with persons with NPD is not to deal with them.  If avoidance is not possible, limiting exposure is essential for your health, sanity and the health and sanity of those around you.
 

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