Think you and your lover have what it
takes to get married? It's time to ask some questions!
The following 7 questions will give you an idea if this is
the one or if it is time to move on.I always welcome the chance to do pre-commitment counseling.
My job is to ask the tough questions that, in the excitement
of a new romance, two women may not have considered.
Here are several questions every couple should consider before
moving in together or making joint financial commitments:
1. What is your definition of
commitment?
Whether you know it or not, you and your partner
will define your relationship. If you don't know what your
relationship means to both the of you, you risk repeating past
mistakes, getting stuck in uncomfortable roles, or fighting
about what a healthy relationship is. Talk about what you mean
by words such as relationship, commitment, love, and
faithfulness. You'll be amazed by what you learn.
2. Have you discussed finances?
Next to sex, money is the biggest generator of
problems, arguments, and resentment in long-term
relationships. Couples tend to assume that money should be
pooled, but it usually isn't that easy. A disparity in income
can mean struggling about who pays for what, or whose income
determines your lifestyle. Different financial habits (one
likes to save, the other spends more, or doesn't keep track)
can become a source of argument. For many couples, separating
your money makes things run smoother; you don't wind up
struggling for control. You can split expenses evenly, or work
out a percentage share if your incomes are different.
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3. What about household
responsibilities?
If you're not yet living together, take a tour of
each other's homes. Drastically different decorating styles,
neatness, and organization levels can become sources of
argument, and so can housekeeping and chores. If you have
different tastes, it may require a lot of creativity and
negotiation to decorate a joint home in a way that makes both
of you comfortable.
Additionally, think hard before moving into your partner's
established home. You may have trouble feeling as if you
"belong" in a home that was previously established by your
partner, unless you participate together in reorganizing and
redecorating it.
4. How close are you to family or
friends?
If one of you has a lot of family or friends, and
the other does not, find out what those relationships mean.
Where will you spend holidays? If there are family members who
have problems, such as addiction or mental illness, how much
will that impact your relationship? TOP
5. How do you handle anger and other
emotions?
We all get upset from time to time. If you are
usually good at diffusing each other's anger, and being
supportive through times of grief or pain, your emotional bond
will deepen as time goes on. If your tendency is to react to
each other and make the situation more volatile and
destructive, you need to correct that problem before you live
together.
6. How do you show love to each other?
Sharing what actions and words mean love to you may
be surprising. Even if it's a struggle, discussing how you
give and receive love will improve your relationship. You will
understand what makes each of you feel loved, and how to
express your love effectively.
7. How well did you discuss these very
questions?
Asking yourselves these questions are excellent
tests of your ability to define and work out problems.
Constructive discussion that leads to a mutually satisfactory
solution means you know how to solve problems in your
relationship. If not, get counseling before going further.
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