|
The demand. Your date
consistently won't take "no" for an answer. When you are asked
to do something, go somewhere or voice an opinion your date
will not allow you to do what you want or convinces you
his/her way is the only way. In actuality you realize
requests are really demands. You come to the conclusion it is
better just to agree than to try to get or do something you
want.
How to spot this: Choose an activity you want to do and
ask to do that. Does he/she say, “Sure, no problem” or
“That’s a good idea but this weekend doesn’t work for me. I
was hoping you could join me for _________. The next weekend
is good though. Let’s plan that for the following weekend.”
Or something like, “I don’t enjoy doing that but why don’t you
go and have a good time.”
Or does he/she try to make you do what he/she wants to do by
pouting, shouting, threatening, ignoring you or using
passive-aggressive behavior to get his or her own way?
Testing needs to occur over several weeks. You’re looking for
consistency and patterns, not isolated incidences.
Resistance. When you try
to discuss your wants, observations, opinions and needs, does
it feel like every discussion turns into an argument?
TOP
How to spot this: Ask yourself how you feel after a
disagreement. Do you feel your partner listened to you? Do
you feel your partner respected your opinions? If you
disagreed, do you feel okay with that or do feel like you
might lose your partner because he/she doesn’t like what you
said?
This last statement is key. If after a disagreement you feel
nervous about your relationship, you’re being manipulated. A
healthy relationship is open to acceptance and disagreement
without fear of reprisal, loss or ridicule. Note whether you
are just feeling guilty (because deep down you know you are
BSing) or if the result made you nervous as to the security of
the relationship. Remember you’re looking for consistency and
patterns, not isolated incidences. Make a note each time you
feel this way. If discussions turning to arguments are the
norm, this is not a good situation.
Pressure. Your date
pressures you to go along.
You know when you’re being pressured. It’s an uncomfortable
feeling and your rebellious streak starts to show. You feel
like the person is backing you into a corner or placing
conditions on your love or presence. If you feel guilty about
not agreeing, fearful that your partner will be displeased or
are afraid to speak up, you are being pressured.
TOP
A second manner of applying pressure and emotional
manipulation is using silence. This can be ignoring you until
you give in or discounting what you say by not responding. In
negotiations, the first person to talk is the less strong of
the two. It is the person who holds his tongue and doesn’t
speak who keeps the power. Men use silence as a weapon more
often then women. It is a way to control the person and the
situation and force through discomfort the resolution they are
seeking.
How to Spot This: Look for the signs of conditions,
manipulation and pressure. These usually follow a
action/consequences format with your partner delivering the
consequences: “If you don’t, “If you love me,” or “A mature
person wouldn’t act this way,” “You’re naive”, “This is for
your own good”, “You can’t make a decision so I’ll do it for
you,” etc. You’re looking for consistency and patterns, not
isolated incidences. Make a note each time you feel this way.
Threats. Your date uses
threatening or coercing tactics: threatening to end the
relationship, tears, vilification, derogatory remarks, rage or
badgering.
How to spot this: Watch for anger or name-calling in
men and self-pity, name-calling or victimization in women. If
he refers to you even in jest as a bitch, whore, fat, lazy,
old, useless, dumb, stupid, cow or any other derogatory remark
either directly or indirectly with his friends, this is form
of threatening. Raising his arm to feign hitting you, shoving
a clenched fist in your face or using physical force to make a
point is threatening.
TOP
If she begins crying when she doesn’t get her way, uses the
children as pawns for affection, withholds sex or affection,
destroys or damages your property or calls you names like the
above, this is a form of threatening. Women tend to be less
physical in their threats but many will throw or break things
to make a point. This is threatening.
Compliance. If you give
in, you're setting a dangerous precedent. Your date now knows
you can be pressured into giving in to him or her, and this
will increase the intensity of what your date is willing to do
to pressure you.
How to spot this: Pay attention to your own reactions
because compliance is your reaction to the above techniques.
Are you giving in to avoid a fight? This is compliance. Are
afraid if you don’t allow him/her to do what he/she wants the
person will no longer like you? This is compliance. Do you
feel like you are not appreciated? This is compliance. Do
you say yes to things you don’t want to do or don’t agree
with? This is compliance.
Repetition. An obsessive
person will go through these previous five steps over and
over, wearing you down each time. Be sure when you say "no",
it means no.
No person is perfect and most people will occasionally use the
tactics described above from time to time. The difference
between an abused person and one who doesn’t get abused is how
they react once they realize what they have done or what has
been done. A person who doesn’t get abused confronts the
situation and states clearly their objection and the preferred
behavior. They then enforce this through boundaries and leave
the situation if the other person continues to use the same
tactics.
If the person abusing is healthy, this person will acknowledge
and apologize for the behavior, making amends and not allow it
to happen again. Over a period of time, such behavior will be
infrequent and not a normal reaction. A person who is prone
to abusing others may be nice for a few weeks or months but
the old patterns will resurface in the future, escalating in
intensity each time as the need for control increases.
TOP
Additional Articles
Parental Alienation Syndrome:
When Children Use Emotional Blackmail to play parents
against each other
Dating: How to Spot and
Avoid Potentially Abusive Partners before you end up in a
relationship
In Politics:
A lesson in Critical Thinking:
How emotional
blackmail manifests itself in society- The Media and the
Middle East
How Do You Know You're Being Spun
|
