Did you Know?
by LD LewisMost
people consider
Sexual Intimacy to mean intercourse and other sexual
actions, but this is not entirely true. Any idiot can
have intercourse, but it takes respect and caring to have
intimacy. A couple hasn't achieved sexual intimacy
unless both feel comfortable accepting or declining sexual
advances and requests without fear of retribution,
intimidation, ridicule or coercion. When a man or a
woman uses these tactics to gain sexual experiences or self
gratification he or she is telling her partner, "I am more
important than you. Your needs are not relevant.
What you think does not matter. How you feel doesn't
matter. I am the center of the universe and you are here
to satisfy me."
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Not exactly what a loving partner would say or do to
someone he/she cherishes or respects.
If you find yourself in this situation, being pressured for
sex, the best thing to do is take the power back. The
person pressuring is trying to manipulate you. Flip the
coin. My favorite comeback is to parrot the response
back as a question and take the assertive stand: Most
bullies (and if he/she is pressuring you, he/she is bullying
you) don't expect a strong response and it tends to not only
put them off guard but also in his/her place, while
establishing firm boundaries.
He/She says:
"If you love me, you'll have sex with me. The fact
that you don't, says you don't care."
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You reply:
"If I love you I'll have sex with you?
Can you explain that logic to me because I fail to see how
compromising my values, morals, integrity and beliefs by
allowing you to put a tube steak between my legs constitutes
love. The fact is, if you cared about me and stopped
thinking below the waist you'd wait as long as I need so that
we can both enjoy it. This would be important to you.
The fact that you are pressuring me tells me that you don't
care and it's terribly narcissistic and very unattractive.
Why would I want to make love with a man who only sees me as a
two minute fix?"
Yes it's a bit crass but it does get the point across and
I've personally used this comeback many times, quite
effectively. The guys after a good time only, never call
again. The guys actually interested in me, not only call
back, but keep coming back.
Without the intimacy, sex is just sex. Read
The 8 Stages
of Intimacy to learn more about what constitutes intimacy
and what does not. And whatever you do, don't do it
until you're ready, virgin or not.
Did you notice our advice seeker is from Malaysia?
Isn't it nice to know that despite our cultural, race, origin,
theological and language differences, when it comes to dating
we all deal with the same thing!
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