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First of all, since you've been married, at 36 you have a 75%
chance of marrying again (versus less than 40% for never
married at the same age). You and I are both the same age,
female and currently unmarried. Like you I once attracted men
whom where mentally and emotionally abusive, (they can really
tear you apart!). It took 7 years of therapy,
introspection and looking after me to turn this around. I
didn't date much during this time. Now I can spot abusive
men within a few minutes of conversation and for the past 5
years, every man I've dated has been incredible. The same will
be true for you in time. Just work on yourself.
The rest will come. About Your Age
It also sounds like you're feeling old and over the hill.
As my 40 something friends tell me..."You're just a baby.
Relax." Sure, I roll my eyes too but I can assure you it is
not difficult to find a companion at age 36; in fact for each
single woman age 36, has three eligible bachelors out there.
Worried men will think you are too old? I am regularly hit
on by men ranging from 22 to 55 and still get whistles, gawks
and stares when I enter the room. You are only as old as you
feel and I prefer to feel twenty-seven. Age is about
attitude. Cultivate a positive one; you deserve it. You are
sitting pretty at thirty-six. About 7 years ago the tables
changed and a women shortage erupted. There are more men
looking for women between 21 and 43 then women looking for
men. You are fortunate because you've had children so the
biological clock isn't a big issue for you. Basically what I'm
trying to say is you are in a sweet position so just take a
deep breath and r-e-l-a-x. Time is on your side. Look at
Sela Ward, Andie McDowell and even Sarah Jessica Parker. All
of these beautiful, sexy women are older than you and me.
You're just getting to the best years of your life.
Everything until now was just practice, including him.
Considering the ex training wheels and nothing more.
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About Dating
As far as dating goes, you have every right to be anxious.
Don't do it until you feel ready. Most of the healthy
divorced men I know wait 3 to 7 years or longer to begin
dating and enjoy the time. They use this time to focus on
their own interests and children. They discover who they are
first. Do you know who you are, really? Your friends, though
well-meaning are pushing you into a situation you are not
ready for. Everyone does not need someone in their lives all
the time; in fact it is far healthier for you to take a time
out for several years and discover yourself. You've got a lot
of catching up to do if you married at nineteen. Think of
this time as "Me" time. What do you want to learn? What are
you curious about? Where would you like to be in 5 years? Who
are you?
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About Divorcees:
Basically, there are three kinds of divorcees. One shuts
him/herself off from society for good and lives bitterly in
the past for the rest of his/her life. You don't want this.
The second kind jumps from one relationship to another because
he/she is afraid to be alone. This results making the same
mistakes (same situations different person) and attracting a
similar relationship because nothing in you has changed. The
final group take a time out.
The healthy thing to do is take a time out. Go to
counseling. Start with one-on-one and move to group in a year
or two. Find out what you did well in the marriage and what
caused it to fall apart. Take the time to define what you
want in a mate, and if you want one in the first place.
Expand your interests and develop into the person you've
dreamed of becoming. When the time is right, when you become
the person you really want to be and are happy in your life,
you'll want to date and a wonderful man will walk in to your
life. We attract people based upon the non-verbal cues we put
out. Based upon your letter, I don't think you want the kind
of men your current state of being will attract. Find out who
you are first. You were basically a child when you married and
didn't have experience or history to spot the behaviors that
indicate abusive men. The only way to change this is to change
yourself from the inside out and become a strong woman who can
spot abusive men from a mile away. This takes time, a lot of
time but it is well worth it.
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About the Grieving Process
In general it takes half as long to get over a relationship
as the relationship was long. Ergo, 16 years = 8 years of
recovery. Most of this won't be bad. It will take that long
to lose any feelings toward him, negative or positive. You
won't feel drained the entire time, depressed, angry or
skittish. Read the article The 4 Stages of Grief
http://www.couplescompany.com/Features/Grief/default.htm to
understand the process. Based upon your letter it appears
you're still vacillating between stage 1(denial) and stage 2
(depression). When you hit stage 3 (anger) and can accurately
identify the characteristics in men that cause then to be
abusive and can put a man trying this on you in his place,
you'll be ready to date again. At this time, you'll know no
other man will ever be able to treat you that way again and
you won't give the time of day to men that do. You'll be in
control and you'll attract men interested in a woman
self-assured, loving and open to a real love relationship.
Good Luck. Let us know how it goes. Everything is going
to be alright!
Sincerely,
Laura Dawn Lewis
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