1. Hate it, not
them.
When you're ticked off at your partner and becoming more angry
by the minute, break eye contact and mutter strongly to the
floor, "I hate this!" By deflecting your anger down and away
from your spouse, you are preventing him or her from being the
direct target. You are able to have
your angry feeling, to express it, to prevent provoking your
spouse and to possibly have him or her align with you in
expressing frustration in a non-confrontational way.
2. Ask
yourself, "What's it like for my spouse right now?"
Do this and you will make the amazing discovery that you can't
be sincerely curious about what your partner is feeling and be
angry at him or her at the same moment. If you don't care how
your spouse feels, you're really choosing to stay angry rather
than make things better. TOP
3. Start
talking from hate,
but don't stop talking until it's from hurt.
Underneath hate and anger is always disappointment, hurt
and fear. If you start talking from your anger -- and then
keep talking -- you'll be able to get through to what's
really going on. For example, "I'm so furious at you right now
for doing or saying ---, I can hardly keep from exploding,"
followed by a pause and deep breath can turn into, "I'm not
furious, I'm just so frustrated, because I thought we've been
over this many times before." After another pause and deep
breath the statement becomes, "I'm not frustrated; I just feel
hurt because I think you know how sensitive I am about these
things," followed by another pause and breath to transform into,
"I'm not hurt; I'm afraid -- afraid that I'll always need to
keep my guard up with you, and the thought of it never being
different makes me feel discouraged."
4. An ounce of
initiation is worth a pound of aggravation.
Initially it seems safer to let your partner go first (and mess
things up) while you get to sit back and react. However, few
things help a relationship more than taking the initiative on
things that you know will please your partner. And when you do
so, you get to feel gracious and generous, which can give you
more than you're giving to your spouse.
TOP
5. Deliver the
"power thank you" as often as possible.
Few things make a person feel worse in a relationship than
feeling used or taken for granted. And few things make a partner
feel better than receiving a heartfelt, sincere "power thank
you." This has three parts: first, thank your partner for
something specific that he or she did for you; second,
acknowledge the effort it took for him or her to do it; third,
tell your spouse what it personally meant to you.
6. Love means
always having to show you're sorry.
When you've hurt, disappointed or injured your partner, deliver
a "power apology" as soon as a little time has passed, which
will allow him or her to get past the acute upset. The "power
apology," too, has three parts:
-
Remorse.
Look into your spouse's eyes, see the hurt and harm you caused
and without excuses say to him or her, "I did ---; it
hurt/scared/angered you because ---. I was wrong and I'm
sorry."
-
Restitution.
You took something away, and now you're going to give
something back. Come up with something that your partner knows
is as difficult and painful for you to do as your hurtful
action was to him or her. Or, have your spouse select your
means of payback.
-
Rehabilitation.
Come up with a different, more constructive way to deal with
the precipitating stresses that caused you to hurt your
partner in the first place. TOP
7. Ask, don't presume.
Rather than assuming you know what the other person is thinking
and feeling (when you don't), just ask him or her.
8. Talk "with"
or talk "to"; don't talk "at" or "over."
Even if what you say is friendly, you will quickly make an enemy
if you talk "at" or "over" your spouse. His or her body language
will tell you in which way you're communicating: talk "with" and
your partner's shoulders will relax; talk "to" and your partner
will nod; talk "at" and your partner will hunker down or stick
his or her chin out in defiance; talk "over" and your partner
will become fidgety and want to leave. If your spouse's body
language is telling you that you're talking "at" or "over," stop
and begin to talk "to" or "with" instead.
9. Have
realistic expectations.
Unrealistic and unreasonable expectations set you up to be let
down. Keep your expectations of your partner realistic and you
reduce disappointment.
"Expectations are Premeditated Resentments"
Anonymous
10. Defuse
self-righteousness with humility.
When all else fails, realize that self-righteousness is
always destructive, and that a touch of humility will go a
long way. You won't think you're stuck with such a "bad catch"
when you think of those qualities that make you not such a great
catch yourself.
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