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The
Pacifier:
First, recognize that you're being on the offensive or defensive and
admit to yourself that you're having a problem.
Then ask
yourself, "What's it like for my partner right now?"
You will discover an amazing fact
about human nature—you can't be sincerely curious about how and what
another person is feeling and be angry with him at the same moment. Go
ahead; try it.
For instance, if you were to
say to your partner during a tense time, "I didn't like where this conversation was
going and then I stopped and wondered what it was like for you. I realized that you don't
like where it's going either, do you?"
If you've
both been down this road to ruin before, there's a good chance that your
partner doesn't want to go down it again and will grab for a chance to
avoid it. If your partner agrees that she doesn’t like what's happening,
make the following offer:
"If
you don't like where it's going and I don't either, why don't we stop,
start over and both of us try to talk without becoming hostile or
defensive?"
Unless your
partner enjoys arguments, there's a good chance she will take you up on
your invitation.
If your partner doesn’t
agree, she may want to hold onto the anger, rather than make things better. If you're the
one who doesn't want to do this, then you're the one who'd rather be right than improve
your relationship.
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