Dear Unhappy,

Hmm.  You’re in the middle of the 7th year of marriage and it sounds like you’re in the middle of the seven year itch, or at least your husband is scratching himself with his lack of interest in his health and appearance and turning you off at the same time. 

I have a few approaches that I’ll briefly describe that you read more about in my latest book, THE 6 SECRETS OF A LASTING RELATIONSHIP: How to Fall in Love Again—and Stay There. 

First, the Use an Analogy approach and second, the Do Me a Favor and Then Ask Me One approach.  Third, the Stand Up From Conviction approach.

Analogy approach:

Think of how his lack of attention to his appearance makes you feel.  Next think of a situation that makes him feel the same way.  Then make a link between the two.  In the situation you’re describing, he makes you feel like you’re needs and desires don’t matter and that he’s going to do what he damn well pleases regardless of how it makes you feel. 

Now think of a situation where someone else in his life is similarly inconsiderate of him—maybe a customer or client or boss who won’t pay him what they promised or perhaps a parent or brother or sister who treats him the same way or even a parent who treated his other parent that way (and who your husband resented for doing so). 

At 255 pounds and 76 inches our writer's husband is considered obese with a BMI index of 31.04.

BMI Calculator

 "Individuals with a BMI of 25 to 29.9 are con-sidered over-weight, while individuals with a BMI of 30 or more are considered obese."
US Center for Disease Control

To reach a healthy BMI, he will need to drop down to 205 pounds.

Take the
Interactive Healthy Eating Index Quiz from the CDC

See Height
 to Weight Tables

Among U.S. adults aged 20-74 years, the prevalence of over-weight (defined as BMI 25.0–29.9) has increased an esti-mated 2 percent since 1980, increasing from 33 percent to the 35 percent of the pop-ulation in 1999.

       In the same population, obesity (defined as a BMI score greater than or equal to 30.0) has nearly doubled from approximately 15 percent in 1980 to an estimated 27 percent in 1999.

Source: CDC
 

I have a formula that seems to make sense to most people: Aggression – Principle = Hostility; Aggression + Principle = Conviction.  This means it’s okay to be aggressive when you’re standing up for a principle.  Use this with him by saying: “I’m very close to losing respect, admiration, and a desire to be close to you.  It’s because you seem to have stopped caring about some things that used to be so important to you.  If it’s because you feel differently about life—as in disappointed, discouraged, or down—then talk to me as your friend and someone who would do anything to help you make things better.