Marriage the 2nd Time Around

 
 

Additional Articles by Susan K Perry:

Married, Deluded & Loving It!

Fighting
Like a Pro

Bedroom
Boo Boos

 

 
Professional Approach to Fighting
by Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
 

Calm down, choose your battles, don't sweat the small stuff.  Excellent advice, but pretty much useless during everyday marital combat. 

PRINT

What I've found works to lessen those
inevitable conflicts is to play at being a "professional."  For instance:

BE AN ANTHROPOLOGIST. Search out the pattern of your struggles. Try to behave like a scientist and analyze your emotions with some detachment. Beware, though, of falling into that familiar and stereotypical pattern where one of you is overly detached. There is a time and place for scientific detachment, which is not when one of you is weeping your heart out.

BE A WEATHERPERSON. Assess what else is going on in your lives that might be contributing to this particular clash. Do either of you feel emotionally exhausted at the start of a fight, due to career pressures, children's demands, inadequate sleep, or hormonal shifts?  Trust each other's statements of your inner worlds. Deal with as many of those other stresses as possible first, rather than inflicting them on each other.

BE A GOOD PARENT. Factor in the presence of tykes: it's been found that although marital spats take place twice as often when the kids aren't around, some of the most virulent, hostile, and destructive  conflicts are carried on in front of the children. Psychologists guess that couples are least able to inhibit negative interactions when they're most distressed, with the unfortunate result that children don't often see adult problem-solving when it's being handled most constructively. This, then, is another reason to become aware of your state of mind and not allow marital negativity to build to explosive levels.

BE A CLOCK-WATCHER. Timing is more important than many of us realize, so that we get embroiled in snippy tête-á-têtes that could have been avoided. Do some of your conflicts occur at transition points in the day, such as when you're awakening, are arriving home from work, or are exhausted? Sit in your car a few moments. Plan ahead for a refreshing drink, a quick reconnection-in-passing, before you fully transition.  Commit to connecting more thoroughly later. Learn not to take your partner's transitional needs as a personal affront.

BE A NEGOTIATOR. Some couples, rather than ever compromising when there's a decision to be made, such as whether or not to visit a relative, make a purchase, where to eat or what movie to see, determine to whom it matters most. For this to succeed, you have to trust that the other person is telling the truth about what's crucial and what isn't. .

BE A FUTURIST. It is pointless to spend a lot of time arguing over what one or both of you ought to have done, unless it's in the service of
preventing the same alleged misbehavior in the future. If you reach the
point of irreconcilable views over what did happen, stop the bickering and ask each other, "What might we do to ensure this type of conflict doesn't happen again?"

BE A REPAIRPERSON. When in the midst of a battle, try to remember that it isn't conflict resolution at all that ensures marital success. Much more relevant is the way repairs are made when things fall temporarily apart, says University of Washington psychologist and marital researcher John M. Gottman. If your marital friendship is strong, you'll be able to keep negative moments from causing lasting damage.

TOP | Back to Marriage | PRINT | About Dr. Susan

 

Susan K Perry

Relationship & Parenting Contributor:
Susan K Perry, Ph.D:


Author of
Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get that Way and Stay that Way! Playing Smart: The Family Guide to Enriching, Offbeat Learning Activities for Ages 4 to 14. CATCH THE SPIRIT: Teen Volunteers Tell How They Made a Difference


Loving in Flow:
How the Happiest Couples Get that Way
and Stay that Way!

Loving in Flow is based on in-depth interviews with more than three dozen long term couples who rate their relationships as absolutely top-of-the-line.

The book is filled with insights and practical suggestions about navigating the transitions and crises of a relationship. 
 

Recommends....
e-books on Marriage

Download these Resources Today!

1000 Questions For Couples
What you absolutely must know about your relationship - test your compatibility and grow deeper in love.

Keep Your Marriage

What To Do When Your Spouse Says: I Don't Love You Anymore! Keep Your Spouse From Bolting & Buy Time To Improve Your Marriage.
 

The Anatomy
Of An Affair

Do You Suspect that Your Spouse is Cheating? Discover the REAL REASONS WHY PEOPLE HAVE AFFAIRS. It's NOT what you think!

 

500 Lovemaking Tips & Secrets
More Passion & Intimacy with Great Sex from Oprah Romance Expert - selling like wildfire. Tips will drive your man or woman wild.

How to Catch a Cheating Spouse

 

Secrets Of Cheating Wives Exposed!

 

Why Men Cheat
 

Should You Stay or Should You Go?

 

Hopeful Solutions For Sexless Marriage
 

Sexual Mastery
Be The Best Lover Any Woman Has Ever Had. Leave her begging for more.

 

Save
The Marriage
 Even if Only You Want to Work on It. Discover how to move from stalemate to soul mate.

Save My Marriage Today!
Discover Proven Methods to Getting Your Marriage Back On Track

 

What Husbands
Can't Resist.

 

Infidelity Emergency Kit! 

 

The Magic
 of Making
 Up:

How to get your
Ex Back!

 

Save your Christian Marriage

 

My Out
-of-
Control
Teen
Audio/Video EBook(R) Plus Online Parent-Coaching For Parents With Out-of-Control Teens

Love-Dating-
Romance
 Collection From Oprah
Relationship Expert.

More Than 40 Best-Selling Relationship Products
 

Communication Magic

The Amazing Formula for Communicating straight from the Heart in your relationships.
 

 

Her-Secrets:

 Seduction Secrets For Irresistible Women.

 

  See our recommendations in these categories as well!

Sexuality

Relationships
 

Dating
 

Wedding
 

Family Law & Finance
 

Health

Parenting

Travel

E-book Search Engine:
Over 11,000 titles in our library!  Enter a subject or keyword
below and find your solution!
 


Marriage
Home

 
About
Dr. Susan

 
Books By Dr. Susan
 
Dr. Susan's
Web Site

 

Articles
By Dr. Susan

 

 

EMAIL this
Article
 to a friend
 

Comments?
Tell Us What You Think!

 

Check out CC's exclusive gift stores:

Wife Store

Hubby Store

Romance Store

Seduction Store


 

Books by
Dr. Susan K. Perry
 

Loving in Flow:
How the Happiest Couples Get that Way
and Stay that Way!
 

Playing
Smart:
 The Family Guide to Enriching, Offbeat Learning Activities for Ages 4 to 14

 
 

CATCH
THE SPIRIT:
Teen Volunteers Tell How They Made a Difference
 

The
12-Month Pregnancy:
What you need to know before you conceive to ensure the health of your baby

 

Please Read Our:
Privacy Policy
Legal Disclaimer

Home | Advice  | Features  | JungleMystique  | Shopping  | Corporate | Club
Dating  | Romance  | Relationship  | MarriageSex  | ParentingFinance
Law 
| Fitness | Health
Copyright © Couples Company 1999-2004
All Rights Reserved