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What I've found works to lessen those
inevitable conflicts is to play at being a "professional." For
instance:
BE AN ANTHROPOLOGIST.
Search out the pattern of your struggles. Try to behave like a
scientist and analyze your emotions with some detachment. Beware,
though, of falling into that familiar and stereotypical pattern
where one of you is overly detached. There is a time and place for
scientific detachment, which is not when one of you is weeping your
heart out.
BE A WEATHERPERSON.
Assess what else is going on in your lives that might be
contributing to this particular clash. Do either of you feel
emotionally exhausted at the start of a fight, due to career
pressures, children's demands, inadequate sleep, or hormonal
shifts? Trust each other's statements of your inner worlds. Deal
with as many of those other stresses as possible first, rather than
inflicting them on each other.
BE A GOOD PARENT.
Factor in the presence of tykes: it's been found that although
marital spats take place twice as often when the kids aren't around,
some of the most virulent, hostile, and destructive conflicts are
carried on in front of the children. Psychologists guess that
couples are least able to inhibit negative interactions when they're
most distressed, with the unfortunate result that children don't
often see adult problem-solving when it's being handled most
constructively. This, then, is another reason to become aware of
your state of mind and not allow marital negativity to build to
explosive levels.
BE A CLOCK-WATCHER.
Timing is more important than many of us realize, so that we get
embroiled in snippy tête-á-têtes that could have been avoided. Do
some of your conflicts occur at transition points in the day, such
as when you're awakening, are arriving home from work, or are
exhausted? Sit in your car a few moments. Plan ahead for a
refreshing drink, a quick reconnection-in-passing, before you fully
transition. Commit to connecting more thoroughly later. Learn not
to take your partner's transitional needs as a personal affront.
BE A
NEGOTIATOR. Some couples, rather than ever compromising
when there's a decision to be made, such as whether or not to visit
a relative, make a purchase, where to eat or what movie to see,
determine to whom it matters most. For this to succeed, you have to
trust that the other person is telling the truth about what's
crucial and what isn't. .
BE A FUTURIST. It
is pointless to spend a lot of time arguing over what one or both of
you ought to have done, unless it's in the service of
preventing the same alleged misbehavior in the future. If you reach
the
point of irreconcilable views over what did happen, stop the
bickering and ask each other, "What might we do to ensure this type
of conflict doesn't happen again?"
BE A REPAIRPERSON.
When in the midst of a battle, try to remember that it isn't
conflict resolution at all that ensures marital success. Much more
relevant is the way repairs are made when things fall temporarily
apart, says University of Washington psychologist and marital
researcher John M. Gottman. If your marital friendship is strong,
you'll be able to keep negative moments from causing lasting damage.
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