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To do
this, start out by viewing male
and female preferences not merely as
differences to be understood, but as analogies that you can use as a
vehicle to build closeness. Consider these three aspects of your
relationship, and the gender differences for each:
Likes and Preferences
After work he likes to collapse in the den and watch TV news
or sports for hours. She prefers to get into her pajamas and lay on
their bed watching her show.
How to Deal with This
Fears and Resentments
When discussions heat up and begin to turn into debates on
their way to verbal wars, he starts to shut down. He pulls away,
ends the conversation and begins to avoid her. She, on the other
hand, pushes harder for an answer -- or at least a response. And the
more he pulls away, the more she pumps up the intensity.
How to Deal with This
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Making Love
vs.
Having Sex
He likes sex. She likes love-making. Or, by the time couples
transitions through middle-aged, the situation may be reversing and
here's why.
If she is
moving into or through menopause, she may now feel that she has the
right to sexual fulfillment (just action), while he may feel on the
downside of his virility and just be seeking her affection, caring
and companionship.
How to Deal with This
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Middle-age Role Reversals
As
testosterone levels fall in men during their 50's and 60's, men
becoming more caring, seek greater intimacy and become less
aggressive. This is one reason many men pick up gardening and
other nurturing hobbies during this period of life. You'll
also notice he is more in control of his temper and more open to
"just talking". He may tire of "the game" in corporate life as his
priorities begin to shift.
On the
flip side as women's estrogen levels fall during the same time, she
becomes more aggressive and adventuresome. Many women will
start their own companies and step into a leadership position within
the family or through charity. No longer ruled by a monthly roller
coaster, she now has the energy and desire to do more and experience
life. By the time the couple reaches their 70's, traditional roles
within the family often reverse.
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So how to deal with these gender differences? Follow
these guidelines:
Likes
and Preferences
The next
time your partner is engaged in one of his or her "likes," avoid
getting annoyed or irritated. Instead, think about your analogous
"like," then say something like, "You really love hanging out and
relaxing in the den, donıt you? Thatıs the way I feel about the
getting into my pajamas and collapsing on our bed."
Though
your partner may just grunt at you ("Yeah, OK," or "That's nice"),
in a very subtle way youıve started to grease the skillet for more
friendly, relaxed conversation. This is due to the fact that youıve
slipped in understanding, acknowledgment and acceptance -- all of
which can slip away unnoticed from a relationship if you donıt make
an effort to retain them.
Compare
the result of this positive exchange with that of saying, "So, I
guess youıre just going to stay glued to the tube down here! Well,
that certainly puts an early end to our evening together!"
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Fears
and Resentments
The next
time you are feeling one of your "resentments," say something like,
"I was just thinking how much it bothers me when you donıt give me a
clear answer. Then I start acting resentful toward you as if youıre
being sneaky. But you probably feel just as bothered by me when I
raise my voice and start acting pushy and intrusive. Isnıt that so?
What do you think we both could do to become less sensitive to those
things?" Few partners will refuse such a gracious invitation to
improve a relationship.
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Making
Love vs. Having Sex
If you
are the woman, say to your guy, "When we rush through sex, I donıt
get a chance to develop my feelings. Instead of warming up to you, I
get turned off and become cold inside." Then look your guy in the
eye and say with firmness instead of anger, "And I donıt think you
have any idea how scary it is for me to feel ice cold toward the man
I love. Now do you have better understanding of why I like to ease
into sex?"
If you
are the guy, say, "I know sex is about closeness and intimacy, but
it's also sometimes about getting some immediate relief from the
tremendous tension and stress at work and in other parts of my life.
If we make and take the time to have sex, complete with the
love-making that makes us feel closer, would it be OK to have an
occasional 'quickie' just to relieve stress?" Most female partners
will agree to this as long as their mate keeps his promise to
mix-and-match love-making done for closeness with sex done for
release. TOP
When
confronting your own relationship's gender differences, remember to
use an analogy. If you can't come up with one, share with your
partner the analogies described in the above scenarios. Then ask him
or her to come up with one for the feeling or situation about which
youıre trying to communicate.
Whatever
words you come up with, just going through the process of this
exercise will improve the connection between you and your partner.
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