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Is the Grass
Greener?
By Mark Goulston, M.D.
So let's say your best friend is divorced and is now having a steamy affair. All you hear are the great details of passionate encounters lasting from morning to night. You however, have been in a relationship for years and, compared to your friend's, your love feels lifeless and your life feels loveless.
Do you feel like you're missing out? Are you jealous?
These feelings are normal, but you need to keep them from
throwing your own relationship into a downward spiral.
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Is your friend's newly single life really better than your
married life?
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Here are 10 ways to start appreciating your own partner:
1. All that glitters isn't gold. Think of three situations from your own life that seemed terrific at first, then turned sour and made you regret getting into them.
2. The lady doth protest (and boast) too much. Realize that the fact that your friend has just gone through a divorce may be causing her not merely to accentuate, but also to embellish her new hot affair.
3. You can't feel deprived and appreciative at the same time. Think of three things you appreciate about your partner that make you feel glad to be with him or her.
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4. You can't fell resentful and grateful at the same time. Think of three negative qualities about yourself that your partner accepts -- or at least tolerates -- that make you feel fortunate to be with him or her.
5. You can't be gracious and jealous at the same time. Tell your friend you're glad for her or him, and apologize for not being more effusively enthusiastic. Explain that it's because such newfound passion makes you feel wistful for the excitement you felt about your partner when you first met.
6. Ask for forgiveness. Think of three things you have done or continue to do that hurt or disappoint your partner, own up to them, commit yourself to doing better, and tell your partner that you hope he or she will forgive you for your actions.
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7. Forgive and start with a clean slate. Think about three things you are holding against your partner that are not biggies in the scheme of life. Now let them go.
8. Date your mate. Meet your partner at a dating scene that is totally out of character for both of you. Come on to each other and follow up with a night of romance.
9. Recall the best way for you to handle disappointment. Since hearing about your friend's excitement is triggering disappointment in your own relationship, think of the best ways you have dealt with disappointments in the past. Repeat those actions now.
10. Remember a relationship crisis you survived. Recall times when you and your partner survived a crisis in which you hurt or were hurt by them. Remember how relieved you were, and recall the promises you made to your partner and yourself to do things differently in the future. Talk about that event with your partner and tell him or her that you are now going to re-commit yourself to those past promises to improve the relationship.
Most of all, remember that as a relationship progresses, love and passion have much more to do with trust, respect, acceptance and understanding than with excitement. And if your relationship is lagging or lacking in any of those areas, fix it.
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