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by Mark
Goulston, MD
What is one
thing that prostitutes and many married couples have in
common?
They don’t kiss on the lips as often as they have sex.
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And why not? Prostitutes often consider
it too intimate. Surprisingly, this may be the case with
married couples as well.
Kissing is the most intimate thing you can do where giving and
receiving happen at the same moment. What stops many couples
from kissing are the unresolved conflicts that fester just
below the surface and turn intimacy into a stalemate. Indeed,
it’s difficult to touch tongues -- or even lips -- when the
memory of having had your head bitten off by criticism or
being abandoned by a pouting spouse is so vivid.
The evidence that such tension is the cause of a kissing
drought is how quickly the kissing resumes once the underlying
conflicts are resolved. Thus, the conventional wisdom that
dictates that you should "kiss and make up" is actually
backwards -- it should be to "make up and then kiss."
You can resolve the conflicts that inhibit kissing with the
following steps:
1. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Then ask
yourself what you do that must make him or her feel the
most hurt, frustrated or disappointed.
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2. Make a "naughty" -- not nice -- list. This is the
kind that won’t earn you points with Santa Claus. Write down
how you think your partner would answer if asked what bothers
him or her the most about you. What turns your partner off
about you physically? What has caused him or her to lose
respect for or trust in you? What do you do that makes it
difficult for your partner to enjoy you?
3. Share the list. Tell your partner that you’ve been
thinking of the things that you do that have made him or her
feel bad about you, themselves and your marriage. Ask your
partner to correct the list wherever her or she thinks it is
inaccurate.
4. Avoid defensive behavior. Regardless of how your
partner responded, ask him or her how badly they've felt by
what you have done or not done. Then look at your partner and
softly say, "I’m sorry. I didn’t know it was so bad."
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5. Let your partner cry. Which is what he or she will
do after being surprised with such tenderness. Then ask your
partner to tell you what he or she would like you to do now
and which of your behaviors you should change.
6. Commit yourself to making those changes.
This may all sound like a heavy-duty way to fix something as
simple as kissing. Or perhaps you're thinking, "Why do I have
to go first? They’re just as much to blame."
But keep in mind that the bridge across a rift that keeps you
unkissed begins with the words, "I’m sorry." Someone has to go
first ... why not you?
Related Articles:
Are You in a Low-Sex Marriage?
Top ten factors Predicting How Often Married People Have Sex
Too Wupped for Whoopee?
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