My wife says she can get sexually aroused and has been sexually attracted to strangers but has not acted upon those feelings. She says she still loves me, that I'm a great husband and father to our 4 yr old daughter.  But physically, her feelings are like that towards a dear friend or sibling. She has seen a therapist for one visit and was told that many of the techniques that the therapist would have suggested involve touching and physical contact but since my wife has no physical desire for me, they could do more harm than good.  The therapist had told her it might be too late to recover her feelings for me.  I very much love my wife and intend to stay with her.  I feel that she can regain those feelings, but she is not optimistic.

At what point does it become too late to recover her feelings? Can a couple in our situation find physical attraction again? How would you suggest attempting to accomplish this?

Steve  (M) 41       
Cincinnati, Ohio    
Married 10 years    

Dear Steve,

I’m sorry to hear of your dilemma.  It is very difficult to recapture sexual/physical passion once it goes away for one partner—but it’s not impossible. 

It may help is to realize that there is a fair amount of truth to the notion that from the perspective of passion men do view women as sex objects and women view men as power objects.  Just as feminine beauty and erotic fantasies often turn a man on, a man’s power over his environment and his ability to compete successfully in the world of men often turn a woman on.

Problems often occur when a man goes from wanting sex to needing sex and then beginning to act “unmanly” by pouting, whining, acting childish, or sullen when he’s not having the sex he needs.  Few things turn off a woman more than a man acting needy (this is also true for men being turned off by a needy woman).  When it acts this way, it quickly becomes difficult for a woman to admire and respect him.  If she goes ahead anyway and consents to sex out of guilt or feeling sorry for him that often deals the death blow to passionate feelings for him.

These observations about men and women also provide some ways to correct the situation.  If the man can restore the respect and admiration that his wife once had for him, passion is often not far behind.

How can any man or you do that?  Think of some of things you do in your life where you exhibit competence, confidence and a sense of mastery.  Maybe it’s the way you deal with situations at work or with friends or relatives.  It should be something that involves interacting with other people, where these other people show admiration and respect for how you handle yourself (as opposed to capably repairing something around the house which can trigger appreciation, but not necessarily admiration).   Then look for opportunities to demonstrate it in front of your wife.

Just as it can sometimes turn a man on to see that other men are turned on to his wife, it can often turn a woman on to see how other people admire and respects her husband.

Also you need to immediately stop acting in a whiny, victim, wounded, hurt or passive aggressive manner if you are.  You already know that they never make the situation better.  So no more crying in your soup.  Be formidable and multiply.