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"Ten Reasons NOT to Date a
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I've been dating a married man off & on for 4 years. I often
feel that he be narcissistic at times. He'll say you need to start dating
other people, then he'll ask me probing questions about other men like if
we had sex or oral sex. He wants to know their names. By the way he's a
deputy sheriff and has ways of finding things out about people. I love
this man, but it seems as though he pushes me away only to ridicule me
later and come back. Once I was going to a casino with friends he called
and I informed him that I was going. He's knows my parents are pastors of
their own church so he then says that it was blasphemy for me to go &
asked did my parents know about it. During this time that I've known him,
I've been married myself. He would call my home, my job and ask if I would
meet him outside before my husband came home from work. I have since
divorced and now he's back to calling whenever he feels like it and acting
nonchalant, telling me I need to start having sex with other men and find
a man of my own. This man is so moody I don't know what to do all he does
is ridicule me about almost everything.
I'm a 31 yr
old single parent; he's 30 and has no kids but is married. He has not
given me any false promises about leaving his wife he acts as if
everything is fine even though I know his wife left him for same reasons
through a co worker of hers. I've never told him that I know this and
never will but I feel as though he loves me in his own way, but is not in
touch with his emotions in any way. Also I've learned through his best
friend that he lives down the street from me, but has never informed me of
his move. Often I would see him drive by my apartment. I just don't
understand him. I met him 6 months prior to him getting married, coming
out of an abusive relationship. He was very charming nice and seemed
concerned. I wasn't looking for a boyfriend & told him I just needed a
friend; he had a girlfriend so I thought this arrangement would be OK. But
instead it has caused me many sleepless nights.
MC (F) 31
Houston, TX
Response:
MC--you've got a control freak on your hands who's in a position of
authority where he can exert control in positive or negative ways.
And likely he's always got a gun with him due to his job. Though it
appears you are both single now, his behavior is a major red flag.
You do not want to be in a relationship with this man. This
situation you're in does not have the necessary intimacy or trust for it
to end well; if he's this intrusive about knowing who you see and what you
do, it could get dangerous, very dangerous for you and you've got children
to think about. Friends do not do this type of prying and control, male or
female. Frankly, reading your situation sent a cold chill down our
spine. Your best bet is to get out of this, fast. He may be a
sheriff, but his actions, based upon your description, are not good.
This is not a healthy situation for you or your children.
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 I
think you have over-simplified a very complicated subject. There are
many reasons, other than being a manipulative user, that a man might be
prevented from ending a marriage, even a pretty awful one. There really
are decent folks who find themselves in situations they cannot control
and who are just doing the best they can under the circumstances.
In addition, not every woman is looking for a full-time relationship
leading to marriage. Happily single ladies (especially those of us who
are veterans of a lousy former marriage) who are busy with career,
family, volunteer work and a wide circle of friends might very well
enjoy having a "very dear friend" to add to the mix - a regular date who
provides interesting conversation and companionship for dinner, movie,
the theater, etc. This is not such a bad thing!
Having said that, any woman dating a married man needs to be very honest
with herself about what sort of relationship they have. If she is
looking for a stable family life and Christmas around the tree, it
probably won't happen. She needs to make it clear to her married partner
from the beginning that she considers herself free to date other men. A
very young woman who is eager to settle down and start a family probably
ought not to waste her time on this one, because the odds of it leading
to something else are not in her favor. She needs to be brutally honest
with herself about the character of her married man. He might be a louse
and a creep - or he might not. Either way, she must make very sure she
keeps their relationship in perspective and does not allow it to become
anything other than a pleasant diversion, because until he actually
leaves his wife, that is all it is or ever will be. If she wants to hold
onto the hope that he really will be single one day and they can ride
off into the sunset, she needs to put a firm time limit on that dream.
Yes, set an actual calendar date (one year from our first date, three
months from today, etc.) and let him know about it. If it doesn't happen
by that date, she needs to reassess whether she can handle giving up her
dream or, if that is too painful, she needs to give up the relationship.
Period.
Dating and falling in love with a married man is not something most of
us would ever pursue on purpose. It just happens, and we deal with it.
It is a tough road, but it is not necessarily the nightmare you portray.
NM (49) Female
Baltimore, MD
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"I am a recent college graduate who is taking a year off to work before
going back to pursue a different degree. I have had long-term relationships
since high school and right now am in a relationship that began 3 years ago.
I noticed very early in my youth that I had a problem with lying, deception,
and just plain ""sneakiness."" I remember lying and stealing from my parents
and cheating in school. Unfortunately this triad has continued past my
adolescence and into my early adulthood. I have cheated on EVERY SINGLE
BOYFRIEND I have ever had. I have only been caught once and from this have
gained a false sense of security. I wish I could stop but I am so addicted
to the ""highs"" and the intoxicating feeling of being with someone that you
are so addicted to. I have no experience with illegal drug use, but from
what I have been told, a practiced, experienced adulterer is as addicted to
adultery as a drug user is to drugs. The unfortunate side of this is that
rehab for adultery is not so readily accessible or societally encouraged. He
told me that he will probably not leave his wife, which I'm sure is the best
idea, but I feel that as long as he is with her he will be cheating on her
(I'm not the first extra-marital affair he has had--his last one lasted 5
years). In the same aspect I feel that I will continue cheating as long as I
remain with my boyfriend. In an ideal world affairs wouldn't happen, but we
live in a realistic world where we learn to deal with what is an
unsatisfactory situation is the best way that we can. Check out:
Andtheylivedhappilyeverafter.com
A Wonderful
resource. Here is a quote from there: “There's no end to the excuses
adulterers will make for themselves, probably because deep down, no one
wants to admit that they're immoral or making serious errors of judgment.”
Another insight: “If you were really in love with your spouse, you wouldn't
be having sex with other people. And even if you were no longer passionately
in love, if you had even the slightest concern or regard for the person
you're married to, you wouldn't deceive them in such a disrespectful,
dishonorable way. If you really loved them, you would respect them enough to
be honest with them about your feelings, even if it means an uncomfortable
situation or possibly a divorce. Lie to yourself all you like, but adultery
means the irretrievable loss of love, and consequently, the loss of any
basis you might have had for being married.”
LJ Female (22)
Chapel Hill, NC
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1. Where did you get this diatribe? Who are you quoting?
Come-on' doc., you're a scientist. Let's dispense with convenient sounding
generalizations in search of an audience.
2. Another generalization. Cheating tells how one person MIGHT deal with ONE
situation ... not all. Sheesh!
3. I agree with your title only. It IS exhausting and demoralizing ...
however, the rest of this nonsensical paragraph assumes a
"Scientological-ness" of the relationship, something obviously incorrect
given the first sentence.
4. More assumptions and generalizations .. probably needed to make a
complete list of ten. This first sentence is right out of La-La land
(Hollywood).
5. It's not about disrespecting our spouses. It's about getting our needs
met ... in a cheating situation, these two are mutually exclusive. Your
statement implies intent. WRONG!
6. More generalizations to fill the page. Who says SHE is the pursuer?? As
one reader says, "it takes two to tango." This question is the same as the
previous. As Groucho Marx said, "Say the magic word, and win a prize." In
this case, say a few un-magic words and win an audience.
7. I agree with this one.
8. Again with the generalizations we all love to hear ... this time
including a boring cliché at the end. Yawn.
9. I love this one! How in the world can someone claim to be a practitioner
of Mental Health, and be so judgmental???!!! Deceitful is purporting to know
something about a subject, and using the internet to pontificate revelation.
10. Oh goody, another cliché. We can all feel comfort in hearing worn out
phrases with little relevance. This entire answer is totally nonsensical,
and probably only applies to a handful, not the majority.
In a nutshell, it angers me to see this sensationalistic verbal dysentery
(with accompanying flatulence) being spewed out onto our monitors, in the
guise of expert advise based on having three letters after a name.
One of God's greatest gifts is the gift of critical thinking. Let's use it,
and find something of value to enrich our lives ... like a partner who truly
enjoys and cherishes our company on the same level as we enjoy theirs.
Life's answers are not on-line ... hints to their direction maybe, but like
the old cliché goes, "opinions are like (you-know-what's), everyone has
one." I have one, Dr. G. obviously has one, please form your own, and trust
those feelings inside more than the opinions of others.
DJ, Male (50)
FRESNO, CA
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Here's what I've found:
1. People involved with married people don't expect a name change. The
limitations and adjustments are made. Expectation of marriage isn't an
issue. Options are still open by dating others.
2. Married people do the chasing.
3. Intimacy doesn't denote love. If you feel it, married or not doesn't
matter. You can run but you can't hide. Falling in love is natural and can't
always be controlled.
4. Economics, convenience, habit and comfort make people stay in marriages,
not love. Married people stay because they feel they HAVE to. They are with
the other person because they WANT to. The "other" person isn't as second
string as many may think.
5. Most people marry the wrong people. Lack of spiritual connection can't be
fixed with a wedding. Most people don't LOOK to date someone married, they
date someone who HAPPENS to be married - and they are the best of friends!
It can't be helped if you connect with someone who isn't your spouse.
6. Most married people's egos are hurt when they admit they can't hold on to
their man/woman. It's no one else's responsibility to help a person keep
their spouse.
7. Marriage vows aren't in the Bible. They alone shouldn't be an ally. Going
through the motions and pretending cheapen marriage. Getting through another
year living in the same house doesn't mean you have a respectable marriage.
Marriage problems start at home between the husband and wife, no one else.
People who have affairs with someone married don't have problems. They are
happy. Unhappily married folk have the problems! Perhaps everyone will be
realistic about the idea of marriage and realize that "I do" doesn't always
unconditionally. There aren't many alternatives if you are unhappy. Marriage
can be a form of bondage you know. So, people get involved with others who
make them happy. That's the realistic, NOT moralist point of it.
The key? Marry the RIGHT person!
KW, (F) 35
Atlanta GA
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The article is
excellent and powerful and true in all its remarks on the hazards of dating
a married person of either sex. I conducted an affair with a married woman
who claimed to adore me. I believe her adoration was true, but therein lies
the rub. She promised she would make progress in leaving her husband over
and over again. She also said she loved her husband too but could not
decide. I believe this is what keeps the fringe outsider in the game, though
I never saw it as a game. I was truly in love with this inaccessible woman
after two years. When I could stand the stress no longer off being in the
balance I had to move far far away as she, though married, pursued me and
would not let go. It took 5-years to fully recover from these two years! It
was indeed a waste of time but most importantly of emotional energy, of my
own self. My own self-esteem plummeted.
To anyone
who chooses to date a married person, I would say it is neither right nor
wrong. It is, however, pursuing pain of a brand that no human being can
withstand. The odds are way against that person leaving her husband or his
wife, as the case may be. Thank you for having this article up on your site.
I think you saved me from doing it again, which is also a hazard, I think.
We do not necessarily learn from our mistakes. In fact, we might head down
the same path believing, This time will be different...in a way to make up
for a past pain. “This time,” will NEVER be different. Your article reminded
me of this. A million thanks!
WR (M) 41
Portland, Maine
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I've read the article, as well as the comments following it.
I believe the reasons mentioned through it were very convincing. I think the
fact that God wasn't one of the 10 mentioned reasons is not as important as
some comments might think, because those who enter such a relationship KNOW
this fact in advance. But yet, they get carried away through this affair.
This fact does not mean neither that both parts don't believe in god, nor
that they don't respect him. It's just that this belief is not preventing
the affair in advance ,thus, it will not cause it to end. Following this
fact, I think a human being needs in such circumstances some practical and
rational reasons that would straighten him, and help him find the power to
quit. He needs reasons that would address to his mind, and would bring back
the logical thinking he used to have before entering it... Believing in God
comes from within one's heart, and that is where the LOVER is located. And
we all know that the heart does not always follow logic. If it did, people
wouldn't be in such a relationship, right?
Female (30),
Tel Aviv, Israel
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I recently discovered that my husband of 20 years had been
having an affair for at least 5 years with a woman ten years younger than
me. She is on her second marriage and her present husband looks after her
and her two kids. She, in my opinion does not deserve to be married at all
and her poor husband thinks she is faithful and true to him. The same ideas
I had about my husband.
I can only wish the worst of everything on her, she has
totally destroyed any trust in my marriage that I ever had. My relationship
with my husband, even though I am trying very hard to get over this and give
him a second chance, I look at him and realize I do not even know who he is.
I would like to mention her name on this site but perhaps that is not legal.
In my opinion she is nothing less than a prostitute. In Leviticus 20:10 "'If
a man commits adultery with another man's wife-with the wife of his
neighbor-both adulterer and the adulteress should be put to death. (Whole
chapter: Leviticus20 in context: Leviticus 20:9-11). I feel that both my
husband and this other woman should be punished but then perhaps it is early
days for me.
(F) Cirencester, Gloucstershire: England
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Dear Dr. Mark,
I cannot agree
with you more concerning the points you made in the article. It is the same
advice I give female friends when the question comes up. However, I feel
that your article could be gender neutral. Please ask MSN to allow you
equal time for both sexes. Again, not disagreeing, but it does take two to
tango, and, often, the woman is wearing the band.
(M) Columbia, SC
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Damn you!!!
It is so hard to hold a relationship with a woman when you are married. My
girlfriend is the second most important person in my life and it is a
constant struggle to keep her convinced she is this important.
Then you offer her ten reasons to leave me and I can only offer her one to
stay and that is I love her with all my heart.
Yes it is hard, but I have never disrespected her other than not actually
marrying her.
A day with out seeing her is like a day without sunshine. My reasons for
not leaving my wife and marrying her are totally selfish.
But when I go on vacation, she is my partner and for those two weeks each
year she is more my wife than the woman that shares my last name is.
So Damn you
and all the pain you have cause me. How do I combat the damage you
have done to our relationship?
(M) Brawley,
CA
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To whom it may concern,
My name is JW. I read your input on msn.com, "10 reasons not to cheat with
a married man"
Do you think this article is promoting adultery? I do. Why would have an
article that informed people the correct forms of cheating. You must have a
liberal background. I do not mean to insult your ability. I am just tired
of hearing rules of infidelity on websites I pay for. In my opinion, there
should only be one rule; Don't do it! I am not testing your political
background, I am just a concerned reader. I am an avid patron of my
country, America. I do not like exploiting morals.
Thank You,
J & K W
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From Couples Company to J & K W.
Dear J & K
W:
MSN does
do abridged versions of select Couples Company articles and we don't have
control over the editing. Many readers whom have read the article on our
site (see some of the e-mails below) have commented on the lack of
religious references on adultery. Though we try not to support or promote
a single theology, we have added the relevant passage information to the
bottom of the article from both the old and new testaments.
This
article is written for women considering having an affair and its message
is meant to cause her to think seriously about the actual costs before she
takes that leap. Though it would be nice to be in a world where people
acted only chaste and morally, the statistics show that 63% of married
men and 38% of married women engage in an adulterous affair at some point
within their marriage. For many of these people the "morality" or
"religious" arguments don't work. Telling them not to do it doesn't work.
Only when they feel the damage it causes to their own lives, do they feel
the pain. This article speaks to that mindset by placing the cost on a
personal level: what adultery will cost her/him personally. Our hope is
that if after reading this article people will step back and consider the
reality. Based upon several letters we've received stating that this has
made a difference, it appears the message is reaching those whom need to
hear.
Thank you
for taking the time to write Dr. Mark with your comments. I've attached
the article below as it appears on Couples Company.
Please let
us know if you have any additional comments, concerns or curiosities...
Sincerely,
Couples Company
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I thought this was a very good article. Unfortunately, I
have already gotten myself into a situation with a married man. I would
say temptation got the best of me. I knew he would not leave his wife. I
just wanted to be intimate with him for one time. It happened last night.
Now I wondering will I have self-control to not do anything with him
again. I wanted to know if I can get some advice on staying away from him
and just saying no. I do not want to be a home wrecker. Unfortunately, I
have met his wife and kids. His wife was very nice. I feel really bad
about what has happen.
KC (29) F
Washington DC
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I read your response to that marriage affair well my e on it
is that 57% of married people are unhappy. I have a totally open
relationship with my spouse we are like roommates, no sex for six years.
However he totally refuses to get a divorce. I find this to be emotionally
immature. So I have just gone on. I have dinner with a married man once a
week and we are happy doing that since are he has a marriage that he
hasn't had sex for four years. I have one other guy that I have been
dating for three years we have a super great relationship. He would like
to go to the next level. I actually am not interested in marriage. I have
a great profession and I travel too. I finally gave up on begging for a
divorce and told him I will be seeing other men. I decided to just go
ahead and do the things that make me happy. The married man I have dinner
with will never leave wife number three they have millions of dollars
wrapped up in assets and he does not want to start over and I do not want
him too. I enjoy having dinner with him and we have a deep relationship.
I'm happy with this whole scene.
AT (30) F,
Los Angeles, CA
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Dear Dr. Mark,
I read those ten reasons for not dating a married man -- and other
articles of yours around the WEB -- and I should say I do not entirely
agree with you. Now, of course you may decide not to read this mail -- but
I cannot stand the temptation to make you aware of something I consider to
be a mistake.
Now let's be honest and face the reality. What do every man and women seek
in their lives ? TO RECEIVE (and give) HAPPINESS ! If everyone would do
that, this world would be perfect ... I am talking about genuine, pure,
not selfish happiness here -- the kind of happiness that you receive and
give without goal, without reason. Assume the following scenario: you are
young and you take a wrong decision to marry someone. This will result in
bad consequences for the rest of your lifetime! Then you meet someone and
suddenly realize love is the most important thing in someone's life and
you understand what it means to be a "catholic" ...
My point is, that ALL OF US should decide to follow the way that will make
our lives complete and happy. There is no dogma, religion or law that
should enforce our behavior. We should follow those principles that are in
harmony with our conscience. As you said "Conscience is what separates man
from animals" so ... let's listen to it! What is better ? To torture your
wife and yourself a lifetime or to let go ... giving her and yourself the
chance to be happy ?
Best Wishes, Dr. C.
P.S: Wouldn't it have been a pity to have Mr. Ernst Hemmingway married
once for a lifetime ? :)
Dr. Mark, how about ten reasons not to cheat. PERIOD! Your
article gives the impression that the only thing required to do is choose a
better set of circumstances for your adultery. Cheating of any kind is a
huge defense mechanism as it is for large problems. You are a Doctor. You
know that! The tone of the article was piss poor and unprofessional. Maybe
if people stopped coddling cheaters and helped them face the problems (in
advance ) leading the the life-changing mistake they are about to make, a
real return to self respect can be achieved. Face it Doc, you have become an
enabler.
DN (37) M
Hinton, VA
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I was appalled to read
Dr. Goulston's
ten reason's for not dating a married man. Did he ever consider
the fact that it is completely immoral and unbiblical? This is so much more
important than then his sad reasoning about the practical aspects of the
arrangement. As a Christian, I certainly do not claim to have the answers
to all of life's problems, but I try to humbly obey what the Lord has
revealed in his Word, and I am sorry to say that Dr. Goulston addressed this
facet of the situation in no way. Should not the Word of God be of greater
concern to us than human reasoning? Thank you for your time and may the
Lord teach us about these matters.
Sincerely,
J.S. (M)
John
6
47 Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that believeth on me
hath everlasting life.- Jesus
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WHERE IS GOD IN YOUR 10 REASONS NOT TO DATE MARRIED MEN?
TZ (F)
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