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It’s actually possible to feel pummeled by even the most innocently
intended I-message. Doing it correctly isn’t obvious. You need to
get behind the words to see what your I-message is actually saying.
“I think you’re a slob” might
follow the letter of the law, but not its spirit. The idea behind
limiting yourself to so-called I-messages is to focus on how your
partner’s actions are affecting you, how you feel hurt, irritated,
or saddened by what the other person did or does. It can feel risky,
but at least one of you has to be the first to take the chance of
disclosing aspects of yourself that are deeply personal.
Eventually, such disclosures will bond you and get the two of you
over many an upsetting interlude.
When I tell my husband, “I
don’t like it when you leave your dirty clothes all over the house,”
what I’m expressing is that the way I see his behavior isn’t the
same as the way he sees it. I’m not saying it’s wrong for him to be
more casual than I am. I’m just saying I don’t like it. If I’m
feeling patient, I’ll add something about why a particular behavior
bugs me, such as, “I’m feeling especially overwhelmed with tasks
today, and the disorder in our bedroom just adds to my sense of
being out of control.”
While you can suffer negative
feelings when your partner behaves a certain way, you’re not saying
he’s responsible for those feelings. And you don’t have to feel less
close to your partner just because you wish he’d behave differently.
One explanation for why your
mate may hear a “you” message underneath the clearest of your
I-statements is that he constructs the world differently than you
do. If so, he might feel blamed, defensive, or guilty when you don’t
intend to sound accusatory. During our most contentious times, no
matter how I phrased my dissatisfactions, my husband nevertheless
whatever I said as placing blame.
I eventually learned that my
I-messages were incomplete. What was missing was a description of
what I wanted or needed from my partner. So that you wouldn’t say,
“You work too much,” but rather, “It seems as though you’ve been
getting home late much more often than you used to, and I miss
eating dinner with you. Is it possible for you to come home earlier
some days like you used to?” That’s direct, clear, and less likely
to inspire defensiveness.
Another option is to express
what you feel like doing instead of doing it: “I just want to
weep when you say that to me because it raises my anxiety level so
much.” By expressing soft emotions like hurt and fear, your partner
may respond with caring and concern. It feels like you’re leaving
yourself vulnerable when you express loneliness or hurt or
disappointment in a gentle way. Try it though, and you’ll usually be
met with a gentle compassionate response in return.
To ensure that you and your
mate develop that total sense of safety, certain words can’t be
allowed, even when they’re I-messages. Threats to leave or saying
you don’t love the other person are among the most damaging and
hurtful words, and they are very hard to take back later, no matter
how much you apologize.
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