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They brag about their child’s giftedness, his or her ability
to read or do simple math equations. They share problems about
behavior, bedwetting or the social interactions of their
children. Some listen patiently, in awe of the children who
read and write and do math at such a young age and then there
are those who stand silently thanking God for their easy
going, completely average youngster.
This scene in played out across the
country, probably throughout the world, and continues as
children go through grade school. Sometime around junior high
age, parents cease their gathering outside the school. The
children are more independent and due to this independence
parents are free to pursue their own interests.
Another dynamic begins, however, the
dynamic of silence. Parents pull inward and do not discuss
the behavior of their children as they did when they were
younger. A sense of caution settles over conversations as if
only the “good stuff” is worth talking about.
Athletic ability, high standardized test
scores and grades, invitations to the party or dance are easy
to talk about among parents. The goal, the touchdown or the
academic awards understandably bring smiles to everyone’s
face. They are, however, only part of the picture.
Parents need to trust each other enough
to include the difficult topics in their telephone, carpool
and sports spectator’s conversations. For the welfare of all
our children parents have to be willing to discuss the poor
grades, the speeding ticket or erratic driving and, most
importantly, the problems of drugs and alcohol.
At the beginning of the school year my
youngest son was close to failing his religion class. There
is a bit of irony in this since he was in his eleventh year of
Catholic school.
It was a tough class with a demanding
teacher and he was having trouble stretching to meet the
expectations. Quite by accident, a conversation with another
mother whose child was in the same situation was helpful. Her
honesty eased my guilt and that, coupled with a meeting with
the teacher, pushed my son to work on that level that is
necessary to master the material presented in the class.
The above is a simple example of the
merit of parent’s discussing the behavior of their children.
A more serious example is that of sharing information on the
use of alcohol.
It is common knowledge, or should be,
that alcohol abuse among junior high and high school students
is at a frightening level. If my child is involved in a
situation that includes drinking, despite the disappointment
in his or her judgment and behavior, I want to know. If
parents are afraid of getting involved or afraid of hurting
each other’s feelings it is the children who will ultimately
suffer
By definition, teenagers are not adults.
They do not have the experience, wisdom or maturity to act
like adults. Therefore, they require supervision and guidance
and it is up to us, the parents to provide it.
That means talking to your child about
the dangers of alcohol and listening to them when they offer
their opinions. It means recognizing that just because your
high school student says says, ‘Oh, Mom, everybody
drinks”, that is not the end of the discussion.
Alcohol consumption during the teenage
years is illegal. It is also deadly, contributing to a large
percentage of the deaths in this age group due to car crashes,
homicides, and suicides. Why would we be afraid to discuss
our children’s abuse of alcohol with other parents? Why
would we be afraid to call another parent and gently and
respectfully talk about specific information we might have
that the children are drinking?
There are foolish, misguided parents who
believe that in their home teenagers can consume alcohol.
This is not about the occasional bit of wine at dinner; this
is about the parents who provide the beer and then think they
are acting responsibly by taking the car keys or locking the
front gate. They are engaging in illegal behavior and should
be reported to authorities.
While it is true that it takes strong families to raise
healthy children there is no doubt it also takes a village of
families watching out for each other and each other’s
children.
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