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Textbooks explain how children begin their search for
independence around the age of two or three. The books advise
parents to start giving children simple choices at this age.
They cite choices such as breakfast foods or colors of socks
or shirts. They offer little about the pre-school girl who
fancies herself to be a runway model and chooses to
change her clothes five times a day. They completely overlook
the “all I do is laundry” stage the parent is experiencing.
The viewpoints, personality and family
history of a parent influence how the parent interacts with
the child as much as the personality and behavior of the child
influences how the parent chooses to raise the child. It is a
dynamic interaction, or in simpler terms, a two way street.
Our children adapt to us as we adapt to them, although in my
opinion, there is more adaptation on the part of the parent.
TOP
For example, parents determine
bedtime. While 8:30 PM seems reasonable for a ten-year-old,
what happens if the child is unable to fall asleep? The
parent adapts and allows quiet reading in bed.
A strong-willed child requires more
creative discipline techniques then his mild-mannered brother
or sister. A slow learner will try the patience of a tired
parent at homework time more than the child who excels in
school will. A fussy eater can make a creative cook out of
any mom or dad. The child, by the way he or she behaves,
determines how the parent will behave.
TOP
When my friend called the other day to
lament the stage of life she is in with her oldest daughter –
teaching her to drive, I smiled and listened. First, she need
not worry. Her daughter is intelligent, responsible, and
considerate. She will not prove to be a reckless driver. But
who can deny that it takes great faith to sit in the passenger
seat of a car with a 15 or 16 year old behind the wheel as
they begin to maneuver the streets of Southern California?
Danger looms at every stop sign and left turn.
My friend was curious about how I
survived teaching four children to drive. It was a simple
method: let Daddy do it. She had already figured this out and
we agreed it is one way of getting through this stage of
parenting.
She went on to explain her realization
that this was a major step toward independence for her
daughter. As soon as the girl secures a driver’s license, she
will not need her mom as much. The trips back and forth to
school and sports and music lessons could be taken off mom’s
calendar and put on the daughter’s.
My friend’s life is changing. As her
teenage daughter moves quickly towards total independence, the
mom is moving to a stage of less control and responsibility.
TOP
She is aware that when her daughter
finally earns a driver’s license college will be right around
the corner and then life as her family has known it for 18
years will be over. Their “cocoon”, as she called it, would
not be the same and she was feeling those first pangs of
detachment that come when a parent faces the emerging
adulthood of their oldest child.
Her question was, “ How do you handle
it?”
I advise my friend to slow down and
spend as much time as possible with her daughter. Celebrate
the emerging adulthood and independence. Understand this is a
special stage, just as learning to walk was a special stage.
Praise her as she successfully takes the necessary steps
toward going out into the world on her own and recognize that
you have given her the best care and nurturing possible.
While doing all of this I sincerely
hope that my friend does some celebrating of her own.
She too is entering a new stage. It is a stage of less
laundry, fewer carpools and the time to pursue some of the
talents God has so generously bestowed upon her.
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