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Then a girlfriend and I decided to
hang out with some (M) friends of ours (one being an ex of mine).
Nothing happened the first couple of times we went out, but not soon
after seeing him again we had sex.
I love my husband more than anything in this world and I don't
understand how I let myself do this to him. He means so much to me
and I would never do anything to mess up our relationship, but since
he's been gone I drink a lot and are depressed. The cheating only
happened one time (like that isn't enough). I constantly justify
what I have done with the fact that he left me regardless whether it
was for a job or not. I never wanted him to join the military
anyway. I keep trying to stay angry at him for leaving me so I won't
be so sad. This is eating away at me. Can you please help? What's
wrong with me? Should I tell him what I've done?
Sarah (F) 18
New Castle, USA
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Dear Sarah:
Obviously the guilt is eating at you. This is normal.
You did break your marriage vows and you did commit adultery. The
good news is, you never have to do it again.
In answer to your question, "What's wrong with me?" There is nothing
wrong with you; you want companionship just as everyone else does.
You are angry at your husband for leaving, even if it is for the
army and he has no choice. This doesn't make what you did right.
It does make you human. It would be worrisome if you were not
disturbed by this.
Lets look at reality.
The fact is he did not leave you.
Rather he honored his commitment and kept his word. He was not
leaving you. Feeling
sorry for yourself over this and blaming him is not constructive,
nor is it fair. You knew when you married him that this might be a
possibility and marriage vows do state "for better or for worse."
Think of it as getting "the worse" out of the way first.
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Reassessing your attitude will also require you focus on your
internal dialogue. Saying "He left me" is an excuse worthy of
a twelve-year-old who has yet to develop the cognitive skills
necessary to discern action and consequence, not an adult woman.
This was a circumstance beyond his control and rather than
acknowledge that, you are using it as an excuse for your own
behavior. He did not hold a gun to your head and force you to cheat.
You made that decision on your own and of your own volition.
You need to take full accountability for that first, before you will
ever be able to move past this.
Once you are ready to acknowledge this is entirely your issue and
has nothing to do with him or the circumstances, you can begin to
fix the situation. This is what we suggest:
Do
find a support group. You are not the only women
in this position and surrounding yourself with other women and
activities will help the time go by faster and give you a purpose.
With a purpose and something to focus on that is positive and
engages your energies, you will be less likely to wander in your
affections. You are fortunate. As a military spouse the
government makes available many resources for you. You also
might try befriending another military wife in her 40's or 50's who
has been through this and can act as a mentor, confidant, second
mother and guide.
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Go
to college or a trade school: You're eighteen with
your whole life ahead of you and no children. Now is the best
time possible for you to begin going to school. Plus it will
give you something to focus on besides the fact that you miss him.
Do
take care of your own needs. Sexual satisfaction
is important and great stress reliever. Learn to pleasure yourself
before you go out with friends. Many single women do this to
take the edge off a date or when they know they will be in a
situation that could escalate sexually. Couples Company carries
sexual aids for women in our
Love Games shop
you can order and have delivered discreetly. No one but you
needs to know.
DO NOT GO OUT WITH EX-BOYFRIENDS.
It is far too easy to return to what is comfortable and ex's provide
the convenient excuse of not being someone you just picked up or
started a new relationship with. If you walk into a room or
party where an ex is, leave. Same goes for male friends. Do not go
out alone with male friends. It sounds arcane but always bring
a chaperone (girlfriend) with you to keep the relationship in
perspective. The temptation is very strong when you feel lonely.
Alternate Alcohol with non-alcoholic beverages.
Since you're under age, (18) it is against the law to drink anyway.
You know this. Once you turn 21, these are the guidelines.
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Alcohol is a depressant and it lowers inhibitions. Single
women dating will often have one or two drinks and switch to coffee
or tea and then alternate to prevent themselves from ending up in
compromising positions. Remember the average female can only
drink one serving of alcohol each hour before she becomes
inebriated. You don't have to not drink, just be responsible when
you do and you will avoid many potentially compromising situations.
DO NOT TELL HIM WHAT YOU DID.
Men do not handle infidelity the same way women do. If you tell him,
it is for your own absolution and it will only hurt him. You made a
mistake. You are paying a high price for it; don't make him
pay for it too. Telling him will not make it better.
Rather tell him you fantasized about him while you self-pleasured!
Tell him you love him and above all, honor him by never doing it
again.
Dr. Joan
Laura Dawn Lewis contributed to this article
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