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Here are four common errors to avoid:
1. Thinking your mate can read
your mind.
It's not a matter of "men like this" and "women
like that," or else it would be easy. We'd just give our partner
the relevant owner's manual and they'd know what to do to please us.
But every individual is a bundle of likes and dislikes, and those
preferences change with our moods. What "works" changes too, as our
bodies go through changes, get older, become used to our lover. The
answer: gently tell or show your mate what you want, write him a
note, point to an article, or do for him what you want him to do for
you. And trust him to pay attention non-defensively.
2. Not taking your turn to risk
rejection.
It's not fair when it's always the same person who
does the approaching while the other gets to be gatekeeper at the
bedroom door. What's the worst that can happen if you initiate a
lovemaking session? Feeling somewhat undesirable for a moment? Even
so, your mate has probably had to contend with exactly that numerous
times. The most successful couples talk about why they don't feel
like "doing it" right now, making sure that no one feels personally
rejected.
3. Insisting that lovemaking
always has to be spontaneous.
Spur-of-the-moment sex is great, when the timing
works out. But once you're married a few years, and especially if
you have children, such utter spontaneity becomes less frequent.
It's no one's fault. It doesn't mean your passion has died. What
it means is you have to plan ahead a bit more and trust that both of
you want the same thing, even when no one's getting swept off their
feet this time.
4. Never trying anything new.
Boredom is the opposite of delight. Some couples
fall into such hardened routines that they never dare try anything
new in the bedroom, for fear it won't work or that, in some sense,
they'll feel newly vulnerable with one another. But those are
positives! When you risk something, your heart races a little, you
get more fully involved, you might feel more strongly than you have
in a while. For the timid or the busy, novelty is fine in small
doses, too. A new location, a difference in the light, a scented
candle, reading something sexy and erotic first.
Classy erotic short story collections written for heterosexual
couples include
The Sensuality Series and
The Short Stories of DH Lawrence and Nancy Friday's
My Secret Garden.
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