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My husband will not see a
marriage counselor and he’s verbally abusive toward the children
and me. I want to make sure we’re safe, financially and
emotionally should divorce become our only option. What steps
should I be taking now? Any suggestions?
Married to a Jerk
F (32), Dearborn, MI
Dear Married to a Jerk:
It sounds like you are at the
beginning stages of determining whether or not your marriage is
worth salvaging, or if it is better for you to move on. You are
correct in that the most important issue to your children and to
you is your safety, both physically and financially. In order
to prepare yourself in the event of the dissolution of your
marriage, it is important that you immediately take steps to
surround yourself with the necessary professionals who can help
guide you through this process. At a minimum, you will need an
attorney and a good mental health professional.
Searching the
divorce/separation web sites and reading books may be useful to
you in helping you to focus on your issues, but a qualified
family law attorney will be able to summarize your situation for
you quickly and efficiently. I highly recommend developing a
relationship with an attorney now, by setting up an initial
consultation with a family law practitioner in your area. If
you need a referral for a family law practitioner, I suggest
that you first speak with friends and family who have utilized a
family law attorney in the past, and if that is not helpful,
then I suggest that you contact your county bar association for
a list of the Certified Family Law Specialists in your area.
Most attorneys will meet with you on an initial consultation
basis for an hour or two, at a reduced or flat fee in order to
help you focus on your situation.
Prior to meeting with the family
law attorney, you should gather some information regarding your
income, expenses and assets. I recommend that you bring to the
initial meeting copies of your last three years’ tax returns,
and documents concerning any purchases of real property, such as
the escrow closing statement and other documents to show when
the property was purchased, the purchase price, the source of
the down payment, and information concerning the mortgage.
TOP
It would also be helpful if you
would outline your income and expenses for the family law
attorney. Your income should include any income that you earn
from working, interest or dividend income, and income from any
other sources, such as unemployment, Social Security, or child
support paid to you from a prior relationship.
TOP
In order to answer your
questions regarding your financial ability to support yourself
and your children after you and your husband separate, the
family law practitioner will need to have detailed information
regarding your current expenses, including your housing expense
(your rental payment or mortgage and property taxes), food
expenses, utilities (including your phone, water, gas, and
electric), entertainment expenses, auto expenses, insurance
expenses, medical expenses that are not reimbursed by your
insurance carrier, and your child care expenses. Many states
determine child and spousal support through the use of a
computer program. You should ask the family law attorney at the
initial consultation to use the computer model to give you an
estimate as to what your child and spousal support, if any, will
be. TOP
During your meeting with your
family law attorney, I suggest that you ask the attorney for the
names of some good mental health professionals that can assist
you with regard to the emotional issues revolving around the
divorce. Most good family law attorneys will have two or three
mental health professionals that they work with on a routine
basis. If possible, it is always best to work with a mental
health professional who is trained and is familiar with the
family law system in your county. It is important that your
mental health professional be able to give you guidance from
past experiences with regard to what a court is or is not
willing to do with regard to your ultimate parenting plan.
TOP
It is important to have your
attorney’s advice in selecting a mental health professional
because ultimately, you may or may not want your mental health
professional to testify should there be a hearing on custody or
visitation. Furthermore, there may be issues of doctor/patient
privilege and attorney-work product privilege that you should
explore with your attorney. For example, you will want to know
whether or not your discussions with your mental health
professional will be discovered by your husband and his
attorneys. Your experienced family law attorney will be able to
guide you with regard to the use of the mental health
professional.
Furthermore, the mental health
professional will be able to assist you in developing a
realistic parenting plan which you can present to your husband,
either directly or through your attorney, depending on the
negotiating strategy. You should have discussions both with the
family law attorney and with the mental health professional
regarding the best way to approach your husband should you
ultimately choose to separate from him.
TOP
Lastly, you will need to explore
with your family law attorney issues regarding how you are going
to pay for the divorce. My experience has been that most
families generally spend most of what they make each month on
their personal expenses. Therefore, when the family is
separating, it is difficult to maintain two households, pay the
mental health professionals, and pay the attorneys’ fees.
Therefore, you should review your financial situation to
determine if you can obtain additional credit cards with large
open lines of credit to assist you in bridging any financial
gaps that may occur during separation. Additionally, you can
speak with your relatives regarding their ability to assist you
should a financial problem develop after separation.
Feeling safe both financially
and emotionally is important to both adults and to children.
You are certainly on the right path when you put these goals as
your priorities. The use of a mental health professional and a
lawyer will create a team which will assist you in reaching your
ultimate goals.
Steve Mindel, Attorney at Law
Family Law
Specialist, State of California Bar
Related Article:
Checklist for Leaving an Abusive
Relationship
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