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My husband asked me what I thought and it made me
mad. I think it's rude to go visit someone and then leave while
you're there for a game of golf unless those you are golfing with
are the ones you are there to visit. Am I right? -
Margaret (F) 38
Texas
I think it's great, Margaret, that your husband
asked about your expectations for how he should spend his time, and
I'm sorry to hear that his question made you mad. For a relationship
to be most intimate and rewarding for both parties, it needs to be
okay to broach any subject without fearing your mate is going to
hold it against you.
What you're really asking me is whether it's right for your husband
to set his own boundaries, or whether he should adhere strictly to
your idea of what's appropriate. Short answer: You get to set his
boundaries only insofar as they directly impinge on your own.
The reality is that to spend vast amounts of time in the company of
one's in-laws is a kindness you do for your mate, not an absolute
requirement. (To him, two days just "visiting" feels like a vast
amount of time.) That your husband is willing to accompany you on
what, to him, are boring visits, speaks highly of his loyalty and
generosity toward you. I'd give him full points for that. But no one
benefits from his having to sit there bored to tears while you chat
with your family. If he's got a chance to spend some of the time
with his own brother playing golf, I'd see that as a wonderful
opportunity for him, one that it would be rather mean-spirited to
deprive him of. Sounds like there would still be plenty of time for
him to be involved with your family the rest of the weekend. It's
not as if he's simply abandoning you to strangers, or as if he's
going to a strip club to avoid his in-laws. He's asking to spend
time with his own family for part of your visit. How very
reasonable.
Your parents, by this long into your marriage, will know him for the
generally loving person he is, and not take offense if the situation
is presented correctly. Simply say, "Joe's brother's in the area
this weekend, and Joe's looking forward to playing golf with him.
Since we'll all be eating together and talking for hours and hours,
we both figured you wouldn't mind if he slipped away for a bit."
Successful couples learn to compromise and to negotiate how much
they do together and how much time they spend apart. What your
husband wants to do with his time is surely just as valid as what
you want him to do with it, and the whole concept of "rudeness," in
my opinion, is negotiable. Sounds like you may have momentarily
forgotten who your main loyalty is to. <end>
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