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When you're ready to re-enter
the relationship game, the smart thing to do is pick apart your
first marriage for all the information you can gather (assuming, of
course, that you're divorced, not widowed). That way you improve the
odds of not having the same problems all over again with a new mate.
Feeling queasy at the thought of looking closely at what went wrong,
at the part you might have contributed? Then you're probably not
yet ready to start dating seriously again.
Here is what you can learn
from a marriage that ended in divorce:
1.
Dealing with conflict is a learning process.
Let's say that as your relationship grew
strained, your mate yelled at you sometimes. Did you yell back? If
he called you names or slammed a door, did you escalate the conflict
by screaming even louder? Keeping calm when the other person is
over-excited makes it possible to keep working on problems. Or
leave the room for ten minutes. Never in the history of the world
has escalating the decibel level helped anyone to get back in touch
with loving feelings.
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2.
Every couple is made up of
two very different people.
Even though you may have grown apart during your first marriage,
remember that you started out feeling close and connected. Yet all
the differences that later tore you apart where there at the start –
if you'd been paying attention. When you're ready to try again,
you'll probably find someone who seems perfect, or nearly so. Soon,
though, the differences will begin showing, and how you manage those
differences is what's going to decide the longevity of this new
relationship.
3.
Everyone has sensitivities, and only bullies use their mates'
sensitivities to make a point.
The trick is recognizing what those sensitivities
are and then avoiding them like the plague. I once had a loud
disagreement with my first husband in which we were discussing
whether or not I should go back to work before our kids were
school-age. I hollered at him, "Money's not important!" Not until I
saw his devastated look did I realize how deeply I'd cut him, how
very important it was to him that we plan for our financial future.
If I'd been more sensitive, I could have found a kinder way to
express my own strongly held values.
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4. No
one likes to be taken for granted.
The more you pay attention to someone, the more
they tend to glow and grow. Did you allow your first marriage to
wither because you were too busy to notice small changes in your
mate? Were you too busy to put intimacy and sex near the top of
your list of things to do? Did you make your own needs known early
enough and in a pleasant way so your mate could tune in before you
got too resentful and angry?
5.
Take accountability for your part. Hardly anything is all one
person's fault.
It's a common mistake to give ourselves lots of
leeway and give our spouse very little. Look back at your first
marriage and search for times when maybe you could have been a
little more compassionate or forgiving. Or maybe your mate was the
inflexible one. Did you have cues for that behavior early on?
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