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But we also have less obvious needs,
social needs higher up on the pyramid, such as the need for
acknowledgment, and communication with other people. The need
highest up on the pyramid, though, of which we now speak, is
the need to love and be loved. We call this romantic love.
A principle to keep in mind at all times
is that the One You Want, whoever he or she may be, is still a
human being and is subject to the same laws and needs as the
rest of the human race. No matter how intimidated you may
feel at times, you can rest assured that their needs are no
different than the rest of us. Meeting those needs is, in
effect, a recipe for winning their love and heart.
And what are those needs?
Well, as far as romantic love goes they
are three: FRIENDSHIP, RESPECT, and PASSION.
Friendship is simply where human beings
meet one another’s needs for ATTENTION, UNDERSTANDING,
ACCEPTANCE, APPRECIATION, and AFFECTION.
Respect means having someone in your life
upon whom you can lean for emotional support; someone you can
look up to and admire who is emotionally independent of you.
Passion is simply the experience of
wanting something so badly your teeth ache, figuratively
speaking. In all of human experience there is only one
condition that produces that kind of desire: NOT HAVING
SOMETHING. The rule is: You want what you can’t have (or
can’t seem to have, anyway.)
Now, with that little bit of background,
let us seek to unravel the mystery of unreciprocated love.
Don’t Open that Oven!!
In the same way that meeting someone’s
emotional needs to get them to fall in love with you is like
following a recipe, so can that recipe be spoiled. When
you’re baking a cake, for example, you don’t open the oven
halfway through the process or else the cake will fall and be
ruined.
Well, in the same way, if you don’t
follow the proper steps to cultivate someone’s love, you will
have a spoiled result.
What has been happening to the majority
of the human race as soon as they decide they start liking and
wanting someone is that almost always they begin to divert
from the proven recipe of love. They try to substitute in
something else for the ingredient of RESPECT, usually some
form of surrender.
It’s only natural that when we’ve
identified the person we want to be in love with that we are
anxious to taste the fruits of that precious state, the fruits
being the right to surrender our heart to them and have them
take care of us, emotionally speaking. We all want to do it.
That’s the appeal of love: to have someone adore us so
thoroughly and completely that we can let down our hair, be
who we are, and still be loved totally unconditionally by them
at that point!
The only problem is, it’s still too soon
in the process! It’s like opening the oven door and trying to
enjoy our cake before it’s finished baking! For although we
may have identified the One We Want, we have not yet finished
the job of winning their heart.
Remember the second ingredient of
romantic love that we mentioned a few paragraphs back? It is
RESPECT. Respect is an attitude someone else has for you
based on their perception that you are emotionally independent
and self-reliant. Or, in other words, that you don’t NEED
them.
So, what usually happens when we start to
let on that we want someone is that they begin to think
right away that we need them, it reduces their
perception of our emotional independence, thus reducing their
respect and diminishing their prospects of feeling romantic
love towards us. That, in a nutshell, is the
underlying reason it seems like the ones you want never want
you back! The enigma of love actually has a psychological
basis!
The best part, though, is that once you
understand what’s happening, you can turn the sequence of
events around to help you Win the One You Want! Remember,
knowledge is power!
The Solution to the Enigma
Understanding the problem, now the
solution becomes clear: When you identify the One You Want,
realize that you’re going to have to play it cool. Recognize,
too, that as soon as the One You Want becomes even vaguely
aware (and they will, at some point!) that you want them,
their natural psychological response will be to interpret your
wanting them as needing them.
There is a difference. It is flattering
for a person to be wanted by someone who doesn’t need them (at
least too early in the process), but it is scary as heck to
sense they’ve got someone on their tail who might have a
budding fatal attraction for them that they can’t get rid of!
Your job, as the pursuer, is to
demonstrate by your actions that yours is the wanting of an
emotionally strong person who can survive very well without
them – who can take them or leave them, and still be a happy,
emotionally well-adjusted person in your own right!
The first thing you must do, is not take
it personally (or even too seriously) when the One You Want
first shows indications of trying to escape you and your
attentions all of a sudden. You must take their response as
coolly as a seasoned fisherman who, when he first hooks a fish
on his line, feels its immediate tug and desperate pulling
away as the fish tries to escape from him! The fisherman
doesn’t panic. He knows it’s just part of the process and
that, in the end, he’s still going to get that fish!
So often, when our lure has been noticed
and our interest in someone first detected by them, we let our
feelings get hurt and take it personally that they don’t seem
to want us in return. But the experienced fisherman knows it
is not a personal rejection of him by the fish! It is the
situation the fish is fighting, the desperate attempt to stay
free!
In this kind of situation, you don’t
fight their attempt to escape. You show grace, poise, and
dignity in your willingness to let them turn away from you
while at the same time not chasing after them so hard that
they begin to think they can’t escape. Remember: the
accomplished fisherman doesn’t try to reel in his catch while
it is putting up its most desperate struggle! No, he actually
gives the fish more line. At the same time, he doesn’t
get discouraged thinking, “Poor me, this fish doesn’t want
me! I guess I’ll have to cut my line!”
And yet, many hopeful lovers do just
that! They feel so badly that the One They Want is putting up
a struggle instead of just jumping right into their net that
they give up completely and walk away from ultimate victory!
The effective thing to do is to stay
cool. Don’t act desperate, but don’t give up completely,
either. You command respect in these kinds of situations by
backing off a little bit, but at the same time determining
within yourself to come back with a renewed effort after a
respectable amount of time has gone by.
Proactively cultivating the friendship of
the One You Want, while at the same time commanding respect,
success is based on one fundamental principle: You
demonstrate that you’re unfazed by their rejection, showing
that they don’t have to love you, but still maintaining a
positive relationship with them in the meanwhile. It’s
important that they sense you don’t take their resistance
personally!
NEXT PAGE: The
Key to Winning the One You Want
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