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EVEN RELATIONSHIP EXPERTS CAN BE
CHILDISH
Case in point.
When Paul and I were finally able to see each other after
13-months of physical separation, it was for my sister's
thirty-fifth birthday, planned 3-months early for the wine
country. We met in San Francisco for the destination party, but
I didn't plan it so the dates included the only three days out
of a month I don't want anyone touching me romantically, no
matter how long it has been. Nothing he could do would change
that fact. I know the ladies know what I'm talking about. For
him too, the pressure of my entire family, our best friends and
my sister's friends created such a tension. I now know we
should have spent a few days alone together first. This was too
much and it almost broke us up.
That first
night, I mistook his stress (he had a lot going on he was
withholding as not to worry me) for rejection. My fantasy of our
time together created expectations even the most trashy romance
novel fell short exploring and I was in no mood to deal with his
problems; I needed to impress everyone else with this guy I'd
been seeing nearly three years and in my opinion he was being
unsociable and a brat. Plus I had a little too much to drink,
which gave me a self-righteous indignation. Mood swings,
hormones, pain and alcohol, not a combination I'd recommend for
a reunion.
When we returned
from the celebratory dinner, (which he graciously acted as the
designated driver for six) we fought about something I said. I
think my teasing him publicly for his whiplash reaction to women
in the EE category, which I find amusing since I'm not exactly
flat and a double letter myself; I spent the night in the
bathroom crying with the door locked feeling sorry for myself
and threatening to leave. Problem was he had the car and my
ticket wasn't good until Sunday. Portland is a long walk from
Napa. Realizing I was stuck for the duration, I finally returned
to the bed; we assumed the classic cliffhanger position, both of
us as far to our side as we could get. No way was he going to
touch me or me him!
TOP
Childish yes.
The one great truth about relationships between men and women is
they can turn the most logical, level headed human being into a
born again five-year-old. Consider movies like The War of
the Roses; the movie exaggerates the emotions we all
encounter when our feelings are hurt or our expectations not
met. Anyone who has gone through a break-up or divorce can
attest to stooping as low and behaving so illogically. And
like Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner in the movie, I may be
CEO and a relationship expert, but I'm not above being juvenile
on occasion, especially when my feelings are hurt. This can be
deadly in a long distance relationship since time together is
often limited, meaning many of the issues being withheld can
percolate to the surface subconsciously or through
passive-aggressive behavior, especially if alcohol or other
substances are added to the mix.
Unfortunately
for me, he'll have nothing to do with it or my tantrums, which
generally infuriates me further. They always worked on my dad
when my mom used them. It is really not fair they do not work
for me! That's the problem with dating a guy with a doctorate in
psychology, among other degrees. He sees manipulation from a
mile away. It really takes all the fun out of being a
conniving, manipulating and self-centered woman!
TOP
The moral of the
story? First, talk (or put them down in an e-mail which is how I
broach serious subjects) about any
issues, apprehensions and expectations you both have prior to
seeing each other again. Get these out of the way before you
meet. Second, schedule reunions that are physically
advantageous and make them private for a few days if you've been
away from each other for more than a month or two. And do not
expect too much. This IS life, not a fairytale and you really
need time to "get to know" each other again, sans spotlight.
Fortunately our
time together nine months later proved eminently better and more
loving. He sent his youngest son off to the neighbors for three
days while we got reacquainted and accustom to each other's
rhythms. We discussed this prior to my arriving; I did not want
a repeat of October. This time we were together under one roof
for three weeks, and I realized, not only did I have my
boyfriend back, I discovered I truly do love him very deeply and
never want to be separated from him again. As yet another storm
begins obscuring my view of Mount Hood and lightning charges
across the sky, I think of him in sunny Southern California
without me. November when the obligations keeping us apart cease
to exist cannot come soon enough.
OTHER METHODS
OF KEEPING THE RELATIONSHIP ALIVE
From my end I
use my gifts: writing, art, photography, music and that sloppy
sentimentality women do so well.
TOP
WRITING AND READING
Writing
encompasses e-mails, stories and the erotica I make my living
on. I've written eighteen stories, the first six published in
Sensuality Volume One, a bestseller on Amazon--the rest to
be published in additional volumes. Paul and I both are
intellectuals with a strong appreciation for thought and
composition. I feel rather silly speaking dirty or sexy, it goes
against my lady-like nature. But I have no problem writing and
reciting such from script; so I wrote my own in the metaphoric
style of my favorite author, DH Lawrence. The truth is, men do
like a virginal woman in public but prefer their own personal
harlot behind closed doors. This is the sexiness no one but they
know; a private joke on the remaining male population. Men revel
in this private joke. My erotica lets that side of me out,
surreptitiously in an intellectual fashion. It also lets me
tell him what I'm too shy to request, as it is hidden in story
format. It's a form of seduction, intellectual foreplay to
which no man is immune. Trust me, unless he's gay, no man is
immune.
For Paul, I
personally read each story into a recorder and put them on a CD.
He spends a lot of time in LA traffic; I figure the
least I can do is make traffic eminently more interestingJ
Don't underestimate the power of your own voice reading a sexy
story to keep him or her tuned into your frequency. For
example, all I need to do is hear Paul's voice and immediately
my mind goes to thoughts, both pristine and salacious of him.
Stories read by you onto tape can be anything from a favorite
childhood story like The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe, to
the sonnets of Shakespeare or poetry of Frost. I prefer sexy
stories for long distance flirting. Obviously I recommend my own
and I'll give you
Seduction's Sun for free, (The first story from Volume
One). But try any short story by DH Lawrence, or write your
own. DH Lawrence is the master of intellectual foreplay and it
will make for a ride home he or she will never forget.
Especially in a long distance relationship, reading sexy stories
to each other at least allows you to feel a portion of sexual
intimacy, even if you cannot feel each other. It also tells
your lover you are thinking of him/her and you think he/she is
incredibly sexy. Of course if it's over the phone (hands free
devices are a godsend)…nobody says you cannot act it out
together! Never underestimate the power of phone sex. That's
why those 900 numbers make so much money!
TOP
Men appear
without sentimental feelings on the surface; they hide it well, but ultimately
men tend to be
much more sentimental then women. I was shocked to find my
boyfriend archives every single voice mail I've left him! I do
not have the equipment or server space for that.
For my
boyfriend's first birthday with me I spent the 90-days prior
filling out a diary of my thoughts about him, what I wanted to
do with him and life in general. I wrapped this diary in twine
from a present he gave me and a rose bud from the first
Valentines bouquet he sent me. Whenever he misses me today, he
reads those pages and he's told me they bring him great comfort
while we're apart. I also know in our old age, this testament
to the first months of our relationship will be priceless. And
it didn't cost me a thing.
PHOTOS
Aside from
sharing the regular photos back and forth of family, friends and
celebrations, snow on my porch, my cat sleeping in my in-box or
a deer eating my flowers, having a little for-his-eyes-only fun
is not uncalled for, if you've got the guts.
TOP
He sent me a
digital camera for my birthday last year. In my room I have a
full-length closet mirror, which covers a full wall. With the
two I managed to take those X-rated photos men seem to like, a
few rather risqué. This ended up being therapeutic for me.
See, I'm not reed thin, and though 5'10" tall and within the
afforded BMI, I could easily lose 35 pounds so I'm a bit
self-conscious about my weight. Unfortunately, I like to eat.
Giving up pizza, cheesecake, Swiss chocolate and wine isn't
worth it. To my surprise, I'm pretty sexy in those pictures.
Damn sexy in fact, which gave me a lot of confidence when I
finally did see him in May. Of course he wants more
pictures…we'll see. A note on this though: Make sure you really
trust him or her first. Should you one day become famous in the
wrong hands those revealing pictures could end your career. On
the other hand, when you are eighty, you'll appreciate them!
The point being
ladies and gentleman, each of us is our toughest critic, don't
deprive your lover of the gift of you and this includes ordinary
snap shots. Our lovers don't care. I am convinced love truly
is blind. How else could he miss the cellulite? He's worried
about his grey hair. I think it's sexy. He thinks he's
overweight; my question is where…seriously where? I'm worried
about my non-six-pack abs and the fact I'm two inches taller
than he is. He doesn't care...unless I don 4-inch heals which he
considers an exaggeration. But since I'm short waisted, he's
still taller than me sitting...that's a plus. He thinks I look
like a woman should look: voluptuous, round and soft in all the
right places. He's dated Playmates of the Year®, country
superstars and A-list Hollywood actresses, not flings but actual
year-plus relationships… Talk about intimidation! And he's with
me and he thinks I'm gorgeous…not beautiful, gorgeous. He loves
me even though compared to these ladies I'm totally out of
shape, way too tall and an emotional basket case at times. True,
all women are emotional basket cases at times, but heck…a
Playmate. Yikes!
MUSIC
With music, this
is one of my favorite parts of dating because each man I've
dated introduced me to new music. They may be history but their
music remains. Brian my first mistake introduced me to
Country. Rogêrio ingratiated me with Samba and its rhythm.
Manuel, opera, Stuver acoustics and George Winston, Greg, Cheryl
Crow, David, The Counting Crows and Paul, Paul introduced me to
Diana Krall, Middle Eastern Music and talk radio. I in turn
introduced him to Italian, Brasilian and Spanish pop with the
classics from Bach to Montovani, (though I still love my
Zeppelin, Sammy Hagar and Eagles totally cranked). He flipped
when he realized I play the piano and compose my own music.
TOP
Another way of
keeping close while apart, I create custom CD's of my favorite
artists, interspersed with commentary about what my favorite
songs mean to me. Computers today make this easy. For my
talent, he bought me a keyboard. Pianos don't work well in
apartments so I haven't had one for a few decades. Soon I'll
play the concerto I wrote for him, Paul's concerto. Writing
your own song or making your own CD of your favorite music is a
great way to bridge the distance. If you don't have the
equipment to burn your own CD, write out what each song means to
you then record them on a basic tape deck. You'll accomplish
the same thing and make a very special, personal gift. It also
gives him or her something to listen to when he or she misses
you.
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