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CONTINUED Dear Samantha,
You married before you were a woman, to a man
who could not help you become a woman. Your husband clearly is
not the kind of man who knows how to make you feel special,
feminine or sexy. You also came from a family that did not do
these things for you, or you would never have married a man who
wouldn’t kiss you until you’re wedding day. You settled for less
than most women would accept. Now that you’ve experienced some
of those feminine feelings, you of course want more.
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Most women have crushes in their teens,
discover what it’s like to be looked at and experience a first
love with the devastating void that follows when it all ends. By
having these experiences, teenage girls become familiar with
their feelings, learn to manage them and discover how and when
to express them. You came form a family that didn’t make you
feel special, married early and missed experiencing the feelings
you have now. With this young man, you feel young and it’s as if
the process of emotionally becoming a woman has started anew for
you.
Whether you want to get this man back, or
write the experience off as part of growing up, my advice to you
would be the same: back way off. If he is to come around again,
it’ll only be because he deems you safe again, and that may take
months. The more you try to get his attention at this point the
more you will push him away.
It goes without saying that you are not
respecting your husband in all this. You may not have noticed
that you’re also not respecting the young man either. He’s gone
through a painful experience of getting involved with someone at
work. It’s painful because after the break-up you re-experience
the heartache, abandonment or betrayal every day when you see
them at work. He’s learned that some behavior carries the risk
of immense consequences, and he’s asked you to respect his
position. TOP
Following your feelings could lead to the
ending of your marriage, endangering your children to that
break-up. It could compromise one or both of your jobs depending
on your employer and work culture. Or, it could merely be a
fling that leaves you both uncomfortable seeing each other at
work.
If you’re still hoping to create in real life
the fantasy you have in your head, patience is your friend. A
slow re-establishment of your prior relationship may come if you
act indifferent and take things at whatever speed he sets. It’s
all about letting him approach you instead of you taking the
lead. He might, and he might not. But it’s your only chance at
fantasy fulfillment.
Your other option is to back off, learn to
control your feelings and even speak to yourself about what is
and isn’t in your long-term best interest, and gain some
personal growth and maturity. If you do this, he may come back
and be flirtatious. Then you can enjoy those feelings you seek
again, possibly without taking them so seriously and again
having a great time at work. <END>
on the issue of
adultery:
Have you talked with your husband about your need to feel
feminine? He's likely as frustrated as you are and feeling
powerless to deal with the situation, and may have an experience
in his past he hasn't dealt with that causes him to shun sexual
intimacy from the start. The drugs as you mention also play a
significant role.
The cooling off of your co-worker is
a sign of his strength; the majority of single people will not
date a married person. Your co-worker's backing off is a
sign of his integrity, not rejection of you or a lack of
interest. He was probably beginning to become interested and
pursuing that interest would require he cross a line he is not
willing to cross. You are in fact, married. Having a
relationship with a married person is adultery, even if you are
not the one who is married. To ethical men, you are not
available and off limits. The other possibility is he may not
want to date people at work. Many people hold to this idea.
It can complicate things significantly.
95% of all relationships started in infidelity, even if marriage
occurs, fail. More importantly you will never be fully in a new
relationship if you are still within the old. End one relationship before pursuing another and
deal with the issues that created the ended relationship first
before undertaking one anew.
Finally, resist the excuse he may be
gay. This is pop-culture interceding and a convenient
exit. The Gay Rights movement states people are born gay.
There is no credible medical or scientific evidence to support
their opinion, which is a hypothesis, not a fact. Science and
medicine consistently conclude homosexuality is a behavior, not
innate.
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