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8/15/2005 8:00:31 AM
Loved this article. I am two months into a long distance relationship, and it has been bittersweet. Most other articles I read have been the same cookie-cutter solutions. This one was truly helpful.
We, too, talk at least once a day, sometimes twice. It is the saving grace. It lets me know everything is OK.
I just loved the advice and the way it was presented!
It also helps to read that I'm not the only one going through this. It comforts me knowing that others do it successfully....
CD (F) 34
Miami, FL
Comments: Thank you. I will tell you this, even though we are engaged and now live in the same house (though separate bedrooms until we marry), learning to live together, it's a challenge. The big 'C' word is not Commitment. It is COMPROMISE. Some of the intimacy we encountered over the phone, at times it is hard to recapture. One of the disadvantages of being in a long distance relationship is you don't get to see the little things that really irritate. He has issues
about bacteria, candles, dogs, animals in general and anything with germs. If you've ever seen MONK with Tony Shaloub, my fiancé is MONK. On this stuff, I could care less. We also have some cultural issues as he's a different race/background than I, though we share the same religion which helps.
I'm very WASPy. He's not. We both speak multiple languages, but not the same ones. His influences are Eastern and Asian. Mine are Western and very Hispanic or white. I like to decorate, am very emotional and creative, things he considers wasteful. We didn't run head on into these things until we occupied the same house. In April we went to Hong Kong and China on business together. This was our third month together under the same roof...we got into a huge fight at a 5
star restaurant. I ended up throwing my engagement ring at him and wandering the streets in a cocktail dress crying before I realized he had the passports and the money. Thankfully a nice Frenchman who spoke English walked me back to my hotel.
It took his mother coming to visit for five weeks for us to reverse course and come together again. I swear, we were about to kill each other!
Then I realized that though we'd been together for 4 years, now in the same house, we were experiencing the first year of a relationship, fast forward. We had about six weeks of total infatuation after getting engaged. Then reality set in and we fought for two months. His Mom brought us to our senses and we began to compromise for the next three months and now at eight months engaged, we're to the "we're comfortable together again" phase. Sometimes I miss the long distance
part. At times it felt we were more intimate when apart. Just be prepared. If you end up in the same place together, you'll have to start the relationship cycle over from scratch. Hang on to what is good and bite your tongue regarding the bad. If all else fails, have your mother come to visit!
CD sent a second shortly after the first:
I just sent a submission, I then read the "happy ending" at the end of the article. This really gives me hope!!!! I truly believe that if we both commit to this, it will work out. It won't be easy, but like in the article, it is definitely possible.
We have a very original situation. The person I am "dating" is very actively in the entertainment industry. This leads to erratic schedules, long times apart, and intermittent calls. His schedule is far from fixed.
However, he plans on retiring in the next four years (give or take). When this happens, all of his hard work will have paid off. He will be very secure financially, and be able to focus on family and relationship. This is what I call planning!!!!
So, until this happens, we need to build our relationship one day at a time. Since it is still early on, we are both learning about each other. This is both good and bad. My insecurities kick in, due to the fact that I haven't known him for years. However, he is a really great person, so I know the foundation is there. We just need to get to know each other better. This is an ongoing process that will take a while.
So far, this whole situation has taught me, of all things, patience. This is something that I ruefully lack. It has taught me to take things one day at a time. To communicate the best I can. To listen. To not be selfish and think of him, not just myself. This has really enlightened me as to how self-absorbed I have been. Talking on the phone daily is allowing me to open up, to listen, and to communicate in a way I never have before.
On a very positive note, we are focusing on getting to know each other and communicating in a way many other couples don't. I love that.
As I mentioned before, patience is becoming the cornerstone. If he doesn't call when I want, I try not to freak out. After all, he is incredibly busy, and there are times he calls me, and I can't talk, too.
I also try not to put expectations on this. Although I truly feel he is the man I want to spend my life with, I don't want to pressure him or myself.
In conclusion, this is all about patience and understanding. It is about paying attention to another person, and not being self-absorbed. It is about communication and love. |