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6 Months thru Wedding Day |
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What do
you do when your past comes back to haunt you? |
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Dear Andy & Judy-
The relationship of my life is about to end and I don't
know where to turn. The problem is that neither one of
us wants it to end but, now there is a wedge driven
between us. My finance has been in counseling for
7-months regarding this issue and it is not helping.
The therapy is telling him that the problem lies with
the moral system that he was raised with.
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Is it morality
or is it ego?. |
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Seven months ago I made the mistake of telling him all about my
past. I was afraid that if he found out some place else that it
would
hurt more. I never thought that he would react this way. He is
upset and depressed. He is trying with all his heart to
understand but it's hard. A little about my past:
I was a lost child and I looked for love in the wrong places. I
also was a exotic dancer at one time. The problem is the he
hates the person I was, yet he is in love with the person I am
now. But the person I was haunts him! How can we move forward,
past my past and create a future together? Or is my past going
to haunt me forever? I guess what I am asking is how does a
Catholic boy forget the morals he was taught and move one -
seeing that I'm not that person now?
Any advice I would greatly appreciate.
Thank You,
Haunted by Past, F(28) |
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Dear Haunted by Past
Your situation is not uncommon. Many of us have things from our
past that might trouble someone who is just getting to know us.
It is true that there are some things that maybe better kept a
secret and left buried in the past. It is your past, and you
have the right to disclose it or keep it a secret. If you lose
this relationship, you may want to counsel with someone about
what, when and how much to tell next time.
You were correct when you said your past
haunts him. It really is not haunting you, as you have dealt
with it and moved on to another life. I would suggest that it is
not his moral system, but his religious system that is a
problem. |
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When
steadfast religious expectations conflict with
modern reality: |
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Consider the "Possibility that God has
brought him the woman he really needs in a package he is not
ready to accept." |
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Morally, there is nothing wrong with who you are or
where you are. So it’s not his moral system, but his lack of
grace or forgiveness. The Bible says that all have sinned and
fallen short of the standard of God. It also says that Christ
died for our sins and forgives us if we ask. It seems that
Christ does not have a problem with you, but he does. It seems
that he has not taken the full word of God into his heart and
life.
I would suggest that he is having a hard time with the fact that
he wants a woman with a pure past so he can feel she hasn’t had
experiences without him. My guess is that he is dealing more
with his own male pride under the guise of religious concerns.
Further, I’m sure he isn’t aware he is doing this. There are no
religious concerns other than his inability to include in his
life concepts such as grace, forgiveness, longsuffering and
other character qualities listed in I Corinthians 13 (often
called the love chapter).
This is his struggle. You cannot fix him nor
save him from his own dilemma. I appreciate he is in counseling,
but wonder if he needs some religious counseling to help him
through this issue of maturation and growth. He has lived within
the guidelines of a very demanding moral system. It may be time
for him to stretch his grasp of life to embrace the loving and
forgiving side of his faith. I know there are Catholic Priests
who could help with this process of expanding his view of life
and accept that his dream of perfection for a spouse (with a
spotless past) may need to be balanced with the possibility that
God has brought him the woman he really needs in a package he is
not ready to accept. I hope he can find someone within the
Church who is wise and can help him this difficult situation.
I appreciate the courage and effort it must have taken to
move your life to where it is now, and how much you must love
this man. I hope he is able to find his way to form a permanent
relationship with you.
Good Luck,
Andy
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