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People come in various
“communication personalities”, and speaking with them can be
a delicate task – in fact it can sometimes be like strapping
on a flak-jacket and defusing bombs! Put another way, poor
communications, can lead to highly “combustible”
interactions. And that in turn can “detonate” an otherwise
profitable or productive interaction right before your eyes!
Over the years I’ve
categorized these various combustible communication types,
along with a few simple techniques you can use to make sure
your interactions don’t lead to verbal flare-ups.
Following is a brief overview of each.
Idea Garblers
No they’re not
speaking from under water, but they might as well be because
these folks garble parts of what they say and mix up words
and thoughts. Why? At least partly because they have the
mistaken idea that you already know most of what’s
rolling around in their head! Idea Garblers are often
busy and contemplative individuals. They’re also usually
very intelligent but easily “scattered” or disoriented.
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Undoing the Chaos of Idea
Garblers
When you’re
interacting with Idea Garblers, don’t assume you can read
between the lines – especially if it’s an important issue.
Instead, slow them down or stop them in their tracks. Be
tactful but clear and say something like, “Maybe you’d
better Dick and Jane me on this. I’m not 100% clear,” or,
“Wait, let’s go back to the beginning. I missed
something.” Or you might try, “Something got by me there.
Can you explain that again?” Once you feel you’ve got it
right, feed your understanding back to them. Say something
like, “Okay, now am I right in assuming that….”
Speed Rappers
We all know these
people. They’re the all too familiar “just the facts”
types. Their concept of communication is a rapid-fire
barrage that you’re expected to decode in split second
intervals. Speed Rappers are often too harried or
“scattered” to slow down and communicate clearly. They may
even realize this but feel that communication isn’t that
important! They can be blunt, terse, and often irritating –
especially when you act on their instructions, get it wrong
and end up taking the “rap”.
Speed Rappers sometimes use
the guise of being in a hurry as a deflector so they won’t
have to deal with difficult issues. If you watch and listen
to them closely, you’ll recognize this. A sure sign is if
they tend to suddenly speed up and get vague every time
important issues are at stake.
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Pulling Speed Rappers to
the Curb
When you’re
“taking fire” from a Speed Rapper, the challenge is to slow
them down. Try saying, “Wait a minute. I just
‘disconnected’ there. Could you say that once more a little
slower?”, or, “I want to be sure I have this right. Tell me
that one step at a time…”
Point-avoiders
As you’ve
probably guessed, Point-avoiders just can’t seem to get to
the point. They deliver lots of quips, anecdotes, side-bars
and other peripheral conversation, but very little that’s
meaningful. They seem perfectly comfortable skirting all
around the real issue but never quite focusing on it.
Meanwhile, you’re going bonkers. Sometimes this is personal
maneuvering and sometimes an oversight. More often than
not, it’s just a plain old poor communication skills.
Editing Point-avoiders
Be tactful,
but take Point-avoiders to the point and hold them there.
You can do this by stating your understanding of the issue
and requesting that they confirm it. This means guiding the
discussion but doing it in a way that doesn’t offend them or
appear to be overly aggressive. For instance you might say,
“So here’s the way I see the real issue. You want me to….”
or, “You feel that I should do this…Is that right?” or,
“So when we get right down to it, the issue is….”.
Me-me's
Me-me's have an
unspoken credo -- “Me, me and only me!” Though they’re
often very friendly individuals, they’re always jumping in
and they don’t really listen to much of what you have to
say. The fact is, they’re too obsessed with getting their
own two-cents in. In a Me-me’s mind, his or her opinion is
all that matters. Watch them closely and you’ll notice
they’re always ready to pounce excitedly on your pauses so
they can give you their “expert” advice.
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Handling Me-Me's
Try being firm
but tactful. In fact in the case of Me-me's, you may
have to be a little more forceful. Try saying something
like, “Do me a favor. I want you to listen to what I’m
going to say, and don’t think about your answer right away.
First, just focus and listen. Then give me your opinion.”
Or try, “Think about this – now really…” or, “Okay,
put your opinion aside for just a second. Can you do
that?” After you’ve said this, look directly into their
eyes for a solid mental connection. Then get your idea out
fast before they slip back into their Me-me mode.
Space Heads
We all know the
Space Heads. They’re friendly, mellow and nice enough, but
they always seem to be on some other planet. In a sense,
they are light years “away”, because they’re
thinking about one thing as they say (or hear) another.
The ever familiar vacant stare is one sure sign you’re
talking to a Space Head. Another reliable indicator is
when you get hesitant responses like, “Ah, what?” or “Yeah,
uh…right,” or, “Sure…. What was that, now?”
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Deflating Space Heads
Just as with
Me-me's, being firm, specific and sometimes even forceful is
the key. Ask your Space Head something like, “Are you
distracted? Should I come back later? Because when I say
this I need you to really listen.” If it happens to be
someone you know well, a Space Head “buddy” so to speak, you
can wake them up with friendly, “Earth to Bill…” or,
“Hellooo…” To be more direct you might try, “It’s going to
be a waste of my time to go through this unless I’ve got you
focused on me. And I haven’t got the time to waste.
Okay?”
Barrier Brains
Whatever you do,
never talk politics with Barrier Brains. For them,
communication is one way only – their way. No
matter what you say, they have a defense ready to spring on
you. They never stop to listen to your side or consider
your point of view objectively because they’re completely
convinced their opinion is right and it’s their duty to set
you straight. Though they’re a lot like Me-me's, Barrier
Brains are often not so nice about it. In fact sometimes
they’re downright combative. They may refuse to listen even
if they don’t have an “expert” opinion. They feel
it’s the principle of the thing, but the fact is they’re
just plain old stubborn. As you may have guessed many
teenagers often fall into this category.
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Overcoming Barrier Brains
Barrier brains
often need to be given a wake-up call and unfortunately you
may be the one to do it
– if you want any chance of getting though, that is. Try
saying, “Look, I feel like you’re just completely closed
off. I want talk about this. I want to share my ideas and
I want to share yours. But first I have to feel like you’re
really considering what I have to say.”
If that doesn’t work, you
might become even more blunt and try, “Is it reasonable for
me to assume that as your parent (or spouse, partner, etc.)
I should expect you to at least listen to my side of this
and think about it objectively? That’s what I’m after. An
open conversation. Not a one-way battle or a verbal war.
And that’s what we have right now. We’re both wasting our
time. I’ll make you this promise. I’ll listen to your
opinion fairly and openly if you’ll do the same for me. I
promise. Let’s do this together, okay?”
But First Be Sure…Now
there is one caveat to all this. Before you use any of
these techniques, do a frank self-assessment.
Be absolutely sure you’re not part of the communication
problem. Stop and ask yourself: Am I really
listening? Am I being open and objective when it
comes to their ideas? Am I communicating in
a constructive and mutually productive way? If you can
truthfully answer “yes” to these questions, dig in and start
defusing. TOP
No, you won’t always win the
battle of the Barrier Brains, Me-me's, Space Heads and other
combustible communicators. But if you try these techniques,
you’ll certainly defuse more bombs than you’ll ignite. |
