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Waiting to have children is a
decision nearly 1/3 of women are faced with either through
circumstance or choice. We put off children either for career
considerations or a lack of encountering quality men. Frankly, we
just hadn’t met a man with enough substance to marry. But that
was okay because even at 35, we still had plenty of time. Even
our doctors explained we had another ten to thirteen years. Just
last September I asked my own doctor after a complete physical how
much time I had.
“You’ve got a good ten
years,” she said. “Don’t worry. You’re young, extremely healthy
and very fertile.”
She did mention that as I
age, my eggs do too and that this is the reason it is more
difficult to conceive after thirty-five, but not to worry.
Relieved, I relaxed into relationship, at that time nine-months
strong. No pressures. We had plenty of time. TOP
The Time Magazine article has
jolted many women my age and our doctors out of our misconceptions
into reality. Ouch! Suddenly my perfect little world and happy
little relationship slipped into hyper drive. I’ll be thirty-six
in June. I want children and a husband. I don’t want to be a
single parent and don’t want to have to use another woman’s eggs
to have children. I want my own children, my genes, my husband’s
genes…our children.
About my Relationship
When I first began dating my
boyfriend, I was a little concerned with his age. At the time he
was 45 and I, 34. On our first date, we discussed our desire for
children and that we were both looking for someone to spend the
rest our lives with and raise a family. Very gutsy conversation
for a first date, (We also covered religion, politics and
sexuality), but since a desire to have children is one of my three
non-negotiable dating criterion, I’ve found it beneficial to flush
a man’s opinions on this during the first date so neither of us
wastes our time. TOP
Prior to dating him, I had
made a promise to myself that I would not let a man date me for
longer than a year without a proposal. The philosophy being that
if he didn’t know in a year if he wanted me, he never would. And I
had a real-life motivator on the timeline. My sister, just two
years younger gave her boyfriend five years of her life, only to
be abandoned last year when he became spooked at his best friend’s
wedding. Philosophies often look good on paper, but they often
don’t take into account reality. Situations in the economy, our
own business interests, personal and familial health issues and
the world at large made bending my rule prudent. Besides, I had
plenty of time.
That all changed the morning
of April 8, 2002.
Now I have to push the
envelope and force the marriage issue and it scares the hell out
of me. I know he is the man I want to spend the rest of my life
with, but how does he feel? TOP
Separate, we are good.
Together we are phenomenal. Working with him has given me
a sense of pride and accomplishment. A serial
entrepreneur, he has allowed me to help his companies with
marketing and sales, and in returned helped me get my company
off the ground. Where he is strong in business, I learn
from him. Where I am expert, he gives me the latitude and
tutelage to excel. We share common values, morals, tastes,
goals, expectations…I could go on forever. Differences
exist to, enough to make it interesting, a conservative
Libertarian and by-the-book Wisconsin Synod Lutheran, his very
right-wing principles occasionally collide with my more moderate
liberal political and Missouri Synod Lutheran
theological views. Our debates are heated and quite fascinating.
The idea that I can lose all
of this, a man I respect, love and cherish, a man I can’t
imagine life without because of one conversation, terrifies me.
What terrifies me more is having him decide in two years that it
won’t work, and then leaving. By that point, my chances of
first recovering from him, then meeting a man, falling in love,
getting married and still having a family will be significantly
lower. That puts me in my forties and according to Time
Magazine, at 42, a woman has just a 7 ½ % chance each month to become pregnant and carry to term a child
conceived from her own egg. These are not good
odds, and I don’t think I want to gamble my entire life and that
of my future children on fourteen-to-one odds.
The truth is if we’re not
going to make it, if his intentions are not marriage, I need to
find out now not later. Now I still have time, not much, but
time. This is that scary conversation many women end up having to
have. Now it’s my turn. Yikes!
So how did I handle the
issue? The full transcript is on the next page. Here are the highlights, verbatim
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