Dr. Mark's Answer Dear PORN WIDOW: You might not like what I am going to say, but please hear me out. For women, verbally venting their frustrations is a great stress reliever. No one knows why; it just is. Well, for men, an orgasm—loveless and sexless, if need be—is  a great stress reliever. No one knows why; it just is.

There are two kinds of sex -- sex with love and sex just for sex's sake. Many husbands feel guilty about having sex just for sex's sake with their wives. They feel like they are using her as a thing (as opposed to making love to someone they are supposed to care about as a person). Rather than using their wives as things, many men use pornography and masturbation. I'm not advocating it or saying it's a wonderful practice, I'm just saying it's very common and not always unhealthy. Ninety-eight percent of American men masturbate at least once a week and 30% of women do the same. Pornography and masturbation (in moderation) have probably saved more marriages than they have hurt. I think it's pretty sad, but it's just a fact of modern life.

To give you an idea of the stress men feel, one man asked me a few months ago if I knew what the definition of a shower was. I told him I didn't. He told me: "A shower is the place where grown men go to cry when they're afraid they can't keep the promise they made to their wives and children to always take care of them and don't want their family to see how afraid they are."

Just as men hide their tears—and fear—in the shower where no one else can see, many similarly hide their masturbation—and shame for having to resort to it—in the den after everyone is asleep.  As one man told me so poignantly in a poem: TOP

We’re lonely little boys,

Playing with our toys

Trying very hard

To not make any noise…
 

Dr. Mark

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