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Your
defense mechanisms will hide the extent of the emotional
damage that color and distort your outlook for years to come,
maybe one year for every five years you spent together. But if
you hurt deeply because you feel deeply, that’s
an asset for you in the long run.
Losing
your mate through death is different than losing her through
divorce, because death is a final goodbye and divorce is not.
With divorce, your relationship has died, but not your spouse.
Your former wife continues to be a living reminder of what was
or could have been, and your ability to recover is
contaminated by the constant conflict you endure while dealing
with what’s left unresolved in the ongoing relationship.
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You’ll probably be ready to begin a great new adventure once
you’re able to manage your grief. Men are more accepting
of physical injuries than emotional ones. We understand them.
Physical injuries are something we can take practical, logical
steps to heal. Emotional wounds are different. They can’t be
seen and can’t be healed with the same methods. Further, while
the pain of a physical injury is felt only at the site of the
injury, an emotional wound is felt throughout our entire being¾in
the head, the heart, and the gut. The deeper the emotional
wound, the greater the agony. And the effects of damage caused
by this wound stream into your life and into the lives of
those close to you.
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But
the two kinds of injuries are also the same in that they both
heal from the inside out. You can heal troubled feelings layer
by layer, by examining and dealing with them as they come to
the surface during daily activities.
Grief
carries a top-heavy load of guilt, anger, despair, and
lethargy that robs you of your vitality. You feel worn-down,
irritable, and depressed as you attempt to hide it. Sound
familiar? You’re probably denying¾blocking
or walling off—your feelings of loss. Though not visibly
crying, you’re crying inside. You are numb and preoccupied.
You are not feeling. Ask your friends how you’re
doing. They often see what you can’t.
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Your
response to loss will be unique. One man will want to sit back
for a time, while another will seek companionship early on.
While most men return to dating after about four to six
months, a few wait as much as a year or longer.
Regardless, the first year is by far the worst. The grief
you thought you’d left behind still lies in the shadows and
every significant day or holiday offers an emotional
challenge. Everyone who has experienced the loss of a spouse
tells of being hit by an occasional emotional “surprise
attack!” They have different names for it like “A pie in the
face” or maybe “A bolt out of the blue.” So be kind to
yourself when you’re down; you’ll cycle back up in a few days
or a week. More Info in
THE FOUR STAGES OF
GRIEF
Returning to the dating world before you heal your unresolved
grief is risky because it alters who you are and distorts your
judgment. Face the Olympian challenge of finding your “Mrs.
Right” by reading Chapter One of Build a Better Spouse Trap.
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Parts of this column have been excerpted from
Build a Better Spouse Trap. M. Evans, Publisher. |
