|
Women don't understand that until you've decided your ready
for step five, you are not going to take it. Now
you are in your mid thirties and early forties and
suddenly, step five makes sense. The only question is,
where did all the women go?
TOP
The
Dating Situation for Men 25-50
In the eighties, women twenty and thirty-something
women were told they had a better chance of being hit
by lightening than being married after age
thirty-eight. These women were members of the
Baby Boomer Generation. Viet Nam,
homosexual
behavior and rampant divorce whittled away at the
available male population.
Gentlemen, times have changed in
women's favor. These are the obstacles you have
to deal with if you are serious about getting married.
TOP
#1:
Healthy vs.
Unhealthy Women
Here's your first challenge: Male or female, over
thirty-five just 50% of the available dating pool is
healthy. Healthy means the individual is
emotionally available, not dating or married to
another and currently in an advantageous state to
receive and give love. Health means the person is
without alcohol or drug additions problems, (does not
include those in sobriety for at least 2 years),
untreated or currently in treatment for severe mental
illness or physical illness. The person is socially functional,
not abusive and not narcissistic.
Unhealthy includes haunted individuals, those with
unresolved anger, hate, fear or currently involved in
a personal crisis either financial or emotional and persons still in love or
grieving a past relationship.
Everyone goes through periods when
they are not good dating material. This can be due to
an illness in the family, a tough break-up or a
personal journey of self-discovery life sets you on.
Those whom are temporarily unhealthy generally come
out of the situation within a year or two.
Overall they are healthy people and worth waiting for.
Currently they have issues to deal with which
eliminate them from the available pool. In
a long-term relationship or marriage, these issues
come up regularly. The difference is you're a
team and you solve them together.
TOP
#2:
The Odds Are Against You
On December 7th 2001 the Wall Street Journal published
an article that throws a few challenges your way.
If you are a man between 27 and 50 never married
without children, you have some unexpected hurdles to
overcome. For the first time in history there
are more men than women. For every woman of
mature child-bearing age (21-42), there are roughly 2.3
eligible, heterosexual bachelors for her to choose
from. The odds are even higher if you want a
woman never-married without children. She has
nearly five men to choose from.
Experts predict this inequity will
not equalize until the 3-9 year old girls today come
of age. This situation created itself when a
large portion of the late stage Baby Boomers: (M38-49)
and Generation X (M29-37) decided to postpone marriage
until their careers were established. Basically
two generations of men chose to extend their
adolescence an additional 10-20 years. At the
same time, the generation born between 1965 and 1975
(extended 1962-1979) is tiny compared to the one
before it and the one coming up behind it. This
means a forty-seven year old hoping for children will
need a wife anywhere from 5-20 years younger and he's
competing against every other man between 25 & 50 for
these same women.
TOP
From a
psychological standpoint the decision to wait, grow up
and establish a career prior to marriage is smart.
Most experts agree that marriage should be postponed
until at least age twenty-eight, preferably after thirty.
Your chances of finding a single never married woman
in her thirties are far greater on the West Coast and
East Coast than in the center of the country.
The further you travel from the main commerce centers
of the United States, the younger people marry. It is also a fact that marriage prior to thirty
results in two-thirds divorce. After thirty the
year-over-year average hovers around thirty-seven percent of
first marriages ending in divorce.
As a
man you may be thinking, "Cool, more young nubile sex
crazed women for me."
TOP
#3:
May/December
or
May/September
Relationships
Calm your
hormones and put on your logic for a moment.
The difference between a 45 and 65 year old adult is
not as vast as a 25 and 45 year old adult. What
makes May/December (20+ years difference) or
May/September (10-19 years difference) relationships
difficult has more to do with life stage and
expectations than the actual age of the participants.
Life is
divided into a number stages. Most people pass
through these stages during specific ages. Each
has its positives and negatives. These
descriptions are generalizations and cover healthy
never-married single women. To every
generalization there are always exceptions.
TOP
Childhood:
In general the
stages are: 1) 0-2: Infancy 2) 2-5 Early
childhood 3) 6-11 childhood 4) 11-14 Puberty 5) 14-20
Adolescence and stage 6) 21-24 Early adulthood 7)
25-42 Family Years 8) 43-54 The Preparation
Years 9) 55-70 The Reaping Years 10) 70+ Retirement
and the Golden Years. You know where you are in
your life. Below is what is happening with the
women you may be dating.
With
the exception of the early adulthood group, most of
our readers will not be dating those in the childhood
group. The twenty-four years spanning childhood are
about learning, growth, experimentation and testing
boundaries. People in this age group are still
idealistic, are testing the world and often think they
know everything. They tend to discount the opinions of
older generations; If you are dating someone in
this group it helps to remember that five years to a
twenty-two year old is nearly a quarter of his/her
life. Five years for a forty year old is simply
a wink in time.
Early
adulthood is generally marked by a strong need for
independence and acceptance. This group often
feels invincible and hasn't quite learned the lessons
of cause and effect. These years are about proving to
themselves and the world they can take care of
themselves. Though they will not admit it, most are
insecure and feel a strong sense of urgency to achieve all
of their goals by twenty-nine. Thirty, after all is old.
Early adulthood is about dreams, causes, friends and
fun. Sexuality is overt, energetic and boundless.
Generally those in this group have not encountered too
many serious issues. When arguments are made,
they tend to be black and white in their thinking, at
times quite arrogant. Experience in the
coming years will temper this. This lack of
awareness coupled with arrogance can be very
irritating to more mature people. The unending
energy can be exhausting. Women in this age
group still harbor a romantic ideal of love and
consider potential to be as solid as proven ability.
TOP
The
Family Years:
Phase 1 The
Defining Years:
25-29 Career Establishment and self-solidification.
Phase one is about "ME". These are the years
most adults run into their first major crisis,
establish their careers and experience adult love
relationships. By this point, arrogance is no
longer tolerated by persons older. During these
years she will cultivate humility, solidify her
opinions and even reverse many of her previous black &
white philosophies. These years are about
personal growth and setting the value and moral
foundation of the rest of her life.
Many
will marry for the first time and begin having
children. Women will begin to focus on "getting
married" around twenty-two. Most will experience
half their friends marrying between age 20-25.
This splits the group into two tracks: married and
single career women. Married women who divorce
will go through these phases at hyper-speed following
their divorce. Since you will not be dating married
women, we'll focus on the single career track women.
Twenty-five to twenty-nine is all about making money
and creating security. She is a woman of the
world and prides herself on her career, ability to
make things happen and true adult status. Like
the 21-24 year olds, she still enjoys partying,
friends, wild weekends and experiences. The
difference is, she now has the money to do whatever
she wants. She realizes a man is not necessary for
happiness or financial security. Women in this age
group expect the men they are dating to be as
successful as they are or more so. If she chooses a
man, she wants an asset not a liability. Most have
dated someone with "potential" in the past who didn't
materialize into anything. Women in this age
group expect proof of your success, not the wide-eyed
"some days".
TOP
The
Panic Years:
Phase 2: Adulthood 30-34
Your first consideration is physical.
A woman reaches her sexual peak (most desire, need
and drive) at age thirty-two. Men reach their
sexual peak at age eighteen. This can cause
problems in May/December relationships, especially if
he is over forty-five.
Like it or not some men in their
forties begin encountering sexual problems they never
thought would happen to them like: an inability to
sustain an erection, pre-mature ejaculation, loss of
libido, back problems, digestive problems and
decreased stamina. Reproductive problems can
also begin to appear such as varicocoele or the
wrapping of the veins around the testicles.
Medications taken for heart disease, cancer and other
ailments can seriously mess with your desire and
drive. This can be very difficult for a much
younger woman to understand, especially if she doesn't
know what is happening. Try to remember how you
were at her age to help yourself understand how she
sees the relationship. Prior to you, most of the
men she's likely dated were within a few years of her
age.
For women, thirty is a scary age. For men,
thirty-five and forty seem to be the critical points.
Through her entire life she's been told, (whether she
believes it or not) that she should be married with
kids by this time. She was also told she'd feel
old, tired and worn out. Happily, she still
looks, feels and is very young. By thirty-one
she realizes these fears of old-age by thirty are
myths.
TOP
Around
age thirty-one she becomes a woman. This means
her opinions are solid, based upon fact and
experience. Rather than make decisions on a
whim, she now carefully weighs her options. Many
will be facing baby panic and a strong sense of
urgency to marry. She still will be active in
the single's scene, but over the next few years her
interest and enthusiasm for this lifestyle will wane.
TOP
Between
30 and 34 single career women will split into two
camps. Some will reverse their career ambitions.
She's proven she can do it. This means she has
nothing to worry about if her husband divorces her or
leaves her with the children. She and her future
family will be safe. The second camp will focus even
harder on their careers.
TOP
Of
those whom reverse their career tracks, many are the
same that would have said to you at twenty-five they
would never stay home with the kids. Now a traditional
role of wife and mother begins to sound very
appealing. If you are looking for a stay-at-home
mom for a wife, this group is generally easy to spot.
They are traditionalists and tend to dress and behave
very feminine, expect impeccable manners and want you
to take the lead and show you have the fortitude,
means and ability to take care of not only her but a
family. She knows she can step in and take over the
family if necessary. She does not want to have to do
this. You have to prove to her she can trust you to be
head of household. With that trust, she will be
happy to let you make the decisions. This track is
also optimal for entrepreneurs. She has the
skills and will many times help her husband with his
career as the children grow. She sees marriage a
team effort with her specific role to play.
Of those whom escalate their
career, staying home with children is not an option.
Daycare, preschools and nanny's are the order of the
day. She likes and needs her daily trip into the real
world. These women are progressive, truly love working
and want to grow within their careers. To take
this away from them would be like extinguishing the
very flame that makes them who they are. The term,
"girlie-girl" is never used to describe this track and
you will rarely see them in extremely feminine clothes
like ruffles, pastel suits or flowery/lacy dresses.
Preferred clothing is usually neutrals, pant suits and
simple classic clothing with few embellishments like
scarves and fancy jewelry. Women in this track will
approach a relationship more like a partnership. She
expects you to pull your weight, but she also expects
you to give her equal consideration and support in her
career. She will often insist on picking up the dinner
tab or treat you to a weekend away. She sees marriage
as a partnership of equals in every way.
TOP
The
Comfort Years
Phase 3: 35-42
By thirty-five, most never-married women have come
to terms with their situation and the panic is gone.
Regardless of career or stay-at-home track, women in
this age group are confident in who they are and
willing to take whatever life throws them. At
peace with her past, present and future, she will only
marry if a man worthy of her comes into her life.
She has accepted the fact she may never marry or have
children.
Realists but not jaded, this age group is pragmatic.
They've witnessed most of the come-ons, tricks and
seduction techniques. They are not
desperate and tend to date critically. A woman
in this age group does not waste her time with men
that do not measure up. If she dates you for
more than six months, she expects an engagement ring
within the next year. By dating you that long,
she has decided you are worth keeping. If a ring
doesn't materialize, she will cut you lose and not
look back. Her time is too valuable to waste on
a relationship without goals. The only negative about
this group is that they are "set-in-their-ways".
She's been taking care of herself for twenty years.
The adjustment period to living as two can be
excruciating as both parties learn to accommodate each
other's particularities.
TOP
Pluses & Minuses of
Dating Outside of Your Generation:
There are only three major
drawbacks from my point of view to dating a much older
man. First the physical aspects are markedly subdued.
Most younger women will have to adjust their
expectations for physical intimacy to his life stage.
At times this is hard, especially if she enjoys sex
and enjoys it often. The younger she is, the more this
becomes an issue. Mature men tend to favor
decorum over flights of fancy. In return for this
concession, she will discover a relationship that is
more stimulating intellectually and emotionally.
Older men have more patience and tend not to overreact
as often or as loudly.
Secondly, maturity. Sometimes
older men forget her age and bristle at the activities
they find immature. Discussions on politics,
issues and life tend to bend to each other's
experience and most older men do not like to hear, "I
wasn't born yet," or "But, honey, how could I
remember? I was only five years old!"
Music preferences can also be a big issue!
Finally, concern. With an
older man there is a strong possibility he may die
before the children reach maturity and leave her
alone. His age also increases infertility and
reproductive problems on his side. This can be very
frightening to a young woman looking for a lifetime of
love, a family and a husband in an older man.
TOP
TIPS:
Dating Thirty-something Women
If she
is in her thirties, she knows who she is and is very
secure in who she is. If she is secure in who
she is, she expects you to treat her like a lady, have
a solid career, direction and opinions. She knows what
she likes and doesn't and has no problem setting you
straight. She has high expectations for you and
doesn't waste time on losing propositions. Women in
their thirties know how to date and cut loose dead
weight fast. If you are in your thirties or
forties and want to get married, date a woman in her
thirties. If it's not working out, she'll cut
you loose and she expects you to do the same. If
it is working out, she'll approach it logically like
you. She's waited this long to get married;
she's not going to make a rash decision. Never
married women in their thirties are usually this way
because they see marriage as "'til death do us part".
Divorce is not an option. In her past she's most
likely turned down proposals. She'll accept only with
forethought and reason. Emotion is important,
but it is not the only factor and it does not override
logic.
TOP
TIPS:
Dating a Twenty-something Women
Women in their twenties have time
on their side. they also are still defining
themselves. This group of women is still
figuring out who they are and can be molded.
This means they are impressionable. The younger
they are, they more they think they know.
Remember how you were at twenty-three? You knew
everything. This is where she is. By the
time she hits thirty, she'll be humbled and realize
how little she really knows.
TOP
Many
twenty-something women will be insulted if you treat
them as a lady, i.e.: pay for dinner, get the door,
plan the evening. This has nothing to do with you.
It is her issue. She has to prove to herself
first that she can earn money, carry a career and take
care of herself and children without a man.
Subconsciously most women in their twenties are
terrified of ending up on welfare and abandoned by a
husband. Be patient. When she is secure
with herself, she will not be threatened by gentlemen,
nor will she chastise you for "taking care of her."
On the
other hand if a woman in this age group expects this,
be cautious. You may be dealing with a
gold-digger or an insecure female with no sense of
self. This can be very grating over the long
haul. You are looking for a wife, not a
daughter.
TOP
Conclusion:
If you are
ready to move on to that next stage of your life, what
you need is a game plan and some hunting strategies
that will tip the ball in your favor. What you
need is a better Spouse Trap, or at the very least,
girlfriend trap.
Ted
Wentworth wrote the book on attracting Mrs. Right and
keeping her. No nonsense and action oriented Ted
has devoted the later half of his life to helping men
just like you find and keep the love you deserve. Each
month, Couples Company will feature his game plan for
helping you find, date and eventually marry the woman
you've dreamed of, the one who completes you.
Dealing
with fear? You're normal. Age, status,
wealth, intelligence, looks, even the most prominent
and powerful men have the same fears, insecurities and
difficulties with the mating game. Why? Unlike
business, this is personal. The rules are
different, but the strategies that work for you in
your career can work for you in your personal life.
They just need some slight alterations.
Join us each month for Ted's Mating Game Plan.
Finally, men, you've got the strategies you need to
succeed.
The Mating Game Home |
