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It’s easy to
see that sex is the icing on the cake, but the cake that’s the
foundation for the icing is no less important.
In addition
to what you have in common, make sure the chemistry is right.
Positive chemistry is most often experienced as an emotional
charge between you that’s either exciting or soothing, whereas
poor chemistry triggers emotions which are exhausting or
exasperating, especially over time.
How well the
two of you, as a couple, get along as your intimacy deepens is
another deal breaker. Gathering a woman’s emotional resume
(how she has conducted herself in the past) can help predict
how she will treat you and people around you in the years to
come. Emotions not only have a huge effect on relationships,
they are the very essence of her ability to maintain an
intimate relationship. Build a Better Spouse Trap,
(pages 41- 46) has five well-considered pages to study on the
following subjects and what they might mean to a
relationship. 1. Children; 2. Parents; 3. Social skills;
4. Manners; 5. Temperament/attitude; 6. Friends; 7.
Safety; 8. Fun; 9. Self-esteem; 10. Intimacy.
There’s room
here for only five examples: TOP
Social
Skills. How does she act around others? Is it different
from how she acts when she is alone with you? How does she
handle herself around people she’s just met? How does she
handle herself around old friends of yours? How do people
react to her? (Watch them, they may see things you miss.) And,
you might ask yourself how important is any of that to you. Is
it important to have a partner who makes you look good in
public? For example you might occasionally be intimated in a
group, or just not be connecting in a social situation for
some reason. Would you like her to be able to save the day?
Manners.
We learn manners to avoid offending others with our
conduct. Each of us has certain minimum standards of conduct
that others must meet in order for us to feel comfortable with
them. Table manners and language (including good grammar) are
huge red flags and, like it or not, stratify us instantly. If
either of you regards the other as coarse or ill-bred, the
relationship is over on the first date.
TOP
Friends.
Because women see things men don’t, another good check is
to watch how her female friends respond to her. Simply
listening to what those friends say isn’t as reliable, because
most women won’t bad-mouth their friends in front of men. If
women seem to like, accept, and to be comfortable around her,
you can feel more at ease.
Safety.
Most importantly, your relationship must feel emotionally
safe to both of you. You must be able to tell each other
whatever you want. You have to be able to be foolish and
vulnerable in front of each other. How do you feel about
yourself in her eyes? Are you able to let go of your image of
yourself and just be you? Can you get beyond the mask you wear
and surrender your self-portrait and fear of rejection? When
each of you can feel safe with the other, you have a necessary
piece of the foundation for a relationship, and you can build
on that.
Self-esteem. Self-esteem basically refers to your
reputation with yourself. How is your reputation with
yourself? And how is hers with herself? If yours is good, and
hers is good, you’ve got another chunk of the foundation for a
rewarding relationship.
My next
column will discuss her spiritual resume, the last of the
three all-important building blocks to your dream
relationship.
(Parts of this column have been excerpted from Build a
Better Spouse Trap. M. Evans, Publisher.
Build a Better Spouse Trap
is available through all major booksellers including
Amazon.com.)
Ted's Articles
follow the progression of preparing and finding Mrs. Right for
you. This is Step 5. To read the strategy from start to
finish, click the following:
Step One
| Step Two |
Step Three | Step Four
Step Five
|
Step Six
|
Step Seven
|
Step Eight |
Step Nine |
Step Ten
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