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Personally, I agree with
the 30+ scenario of GMA's segment. Though in my 20's while I was
panicking, it would have been of little solace. What I've
discovered is that if I really wanted to be happy, regardless of
marriage, I first had to learn from my dating experiences in my
twenties by acknowledging the good and the bad. Then I
needed to redefine Mr. Right based upon reality rather than
emotion. Finally I had to accept my situation and for me
that means relying on faith. I learned this from
twenty-two other women, friends of mine whom over the past ten
years went through the same thing. The following
illustrates this process.
The
Dating Lessons of My Twenties
Based upon the feedback this article has received
I should clarify that dating does not equal having
sex. Dating to me means you spend time with someone, get
to know them and share experiences.
In a committed relationship that can change. Personally I
don't consider the relationship to be committed until after
three months with mutual agreement and exclusivity. In
most cases, dating relationships never get this far. The
whole purpose of dating is to get to know someone and see if a
future is a possibility. Sex too soon tends to remove
objectivity and replace it with emotion.
I look at the men I’ve
dated from 19-30 going back to the first. He was a six-week
relationship,
a busboy
and I was nineteen. Last I heard he is doing 10-15 for
narcotics trafficking. The last during this period was a cruel
40 year-old talent agent stuck in a mid-life
crisis who took out his frustration on me verbally.
Each experience was a notch
up as I realized what I did like and didn’t. Along the way I've
had several types of relationships. The rebound, the arm candy,
the
complete dysfunctional type, my first love, even the “what the heck are you doing with him?”
What was I doing with him!
TOP
Each of these
rungs on the ladder taught me something. Busboy taught me that
gorgeous, angry and stupid is a road to nowhere.
Dysfunctional? He
introduced me to Country Music. First love? That was a three
year relationship so I learned a lot: what it
feels like to be in a relationship, how to love and to never date a man
without a checking account. And agent? He
introduced me to the lifestyle of success and power and how to
move in the circles I never dreamed I enter. He also taught me
that ultimately I know the survival game better than he.
Agent could not make it in LA and went home after just 1-1/2
years. I've been here six years.
TOP
When I look back on my
dating education from my twenties, gratitude engulfs me.
Thank you God, thank you God! Thank you God for not allowing me
to marry then. Thrice I was asked and thrice I declined! If I
had married then, First Love would have taken me through
bankruptcy. “What the heck” would have made me a permanent
fixture at Alanon meetings, and the other? He’s not
worth the detail.
How is dating different in
my thirties? First, I'm still friends with most of the men I've
seriously dated since thirty-one. Two are now married to
wonderful women whom I've met. Two have started their own
practices: one a dental office in Chicago and the other a law
office in Los Angeles. One just bought his first home in
San Diego and added a partner to his law office. The last
is finishing his JD after completing two Masters. His
ambition is politics and I am definitely not political wife
material. That is something I have also learned about
myself.
TOP
Defining My Mr. Right
and How Maturity Changes Him
I've only ever seen myself married to two men, both of whom I've
met since turning thirty. One is mentioned above and I was
in yet another "off-again" period with him when I met my
boyfriend. He is eighteen months younger with a rebellious
streak, forgetful nature, has no idea what a telephone is for
and cultivates a passion for wanderlust.
TOP
The second is my boyfriend
of eighteen months. He is eleven years older than me, cares for
me deeply and watches over me. He is always there when I need
him and he never forgets to call. In my mind I refer to them as
the Rebel and the Saint. I love both of them for different
reasons and for some of the same reasons.
Rebel is excitement. Saint is security.
Part of me really wants the
excitement, the clandestine encounters and wild passion Rebel
delivers. This behavior is not dignified to Saint. My
other half knows excitement doesn't last and consistency, more
subdued passion and the sincere emotion Saint delivers is what
makes relationships last. Both stimulate me intellectually
but Saint amazes me intellectually.
TOP
In my twenties I would have
chosen Rebel. In my thirties, my mind overrides my
hormones most of the time. Today I choose
Saint and this is why. I consider my life at 75. Something tells me
untamed passion by that time will not be as important as deep,
meaningful discussions, companionship and lively debates.
Also, Rebel's
wanderlust concerns me. He enjoys being the playboy and is
magnetic with women.
Suddenly security feels comfortable and excitement spells lonely
nights and suspicion.
This distinction, logic
over emotion, is the biggest difference between women dating
during their twenties and women dating in their thirties.
The ability to look past the passion and limerence in order to
consider and weigh the reality and lifetime needs. During
her twenties, a woman tends to make decisions based upon
emotion. In her thirties, emotion still plays a part.
Logic tends to override it. We see this distinction
clearly in the letters we get from women. Fortunately with
time, both sexes mature and grow up.
TOP
Still Single in Your Thirties?
Here's Hope:
The good news is by their
late thirties, men tire of the game and discover what
love is about. With maturity they tend to appreciate a woman for
who she is rather than solely for how she looks. Most women
still single in their mid thirties aren't desperate. Most
have decided their lives are full without a man. Marriage isn't the goal
these women chase. If marriage were the goal, most would
have married when asked in their twenties. For these women the
goal is a lifetime of love, companionship, shared
experiences with an occasional challenge to keep things
interesting. A ring doesn't deliver this. Only love does.
Over the past 10 years I've
watched 23 never-married female friends between 32 and 39 fight
the panic and ultimately come to terms with being single forever
and never having children. A miraculous thing happens once each
accepts this. Each meets her husband within the next two years,
in most cases, within months. He looks nothing like her previous
boyfriends or crushes. In many ways he is a composite of
all the qualities, character and traits she's come to respect
only the packaging is different. Most will admit she never dated
men like that because they "Weren't her type" visually. He
turns out to be the perfect match and totally her type.
TOP
I'm the last of the women I
refer to above and I'm also the youngest by 4 years. Twenty-two
are married now and several are pregnant. The meeting scenario
is true for me too.
My December 2000 Christmas
letter went out saying I had finally accepted the fact I may
never marry or have children and that though disappointed, I was
okay with that. I was 34 years old. Two weeks after the letter
went out on December 27th, 2000 I met my boyfriend Saint while
doing research for a client. We've been together, planning
our future ever since. He looks nothing like any of the
men I dated previously, yet he has all of the key qualities I
admire and respect.
How I Changed My Situation and
Attitude
Why am I glad I didn't marry in my twenties?
Had I, I would have never met Saint. As I was then, he
wouldn't have dated me either. Frankly, I wouldn't have
given him a second look. My type I thought (being 5'10")
was 6'3", 227-230 pounds, straight hair, very masculine, never
married and a ladies man with a good-ol-boy attitude.
It turns out my type is shorter than me, with classic
Mediterranean features, curly hair, past the lady's man stage,
divorced with a sole custody of a teenager, continental and very
refined.
But you couldn't have
convinced me of that in my twenties. I had to grow up
first and learn what was important before my Mr. Right could
enter my life. I needed time to develop into the type of
woman he is attracted to.
The key for me was
three-fold and I followed the advice of my friends. The
solution for each of them, and later for me was the same:
Prayer, Acceptance and Maintaining an open mind.
For nearly a year each
night I asked God give me the strength and peace of acceptance
if it was His will I remain single. I also asked that if
my husband was out there, could He please bring him into my life
soon? Then I made a practice of appreciating what life has
given me. Part of this included analyzing my past
relationships both the good and bad parts. Finally, I
remained open to any man who expresses an interest. If he
had the courage to ask me out, unless he was out of line I
always gave him at least two dates.
This willingness to date
outside of your type is crucial. That insurance agent,
lawyer, fireman, businessman you sit next to on the plane or
person you call for research just might be your Mr. Right. That
is if you are open to giving him a chance and mature enough to
keep an open mind.
END
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